Naivete in disguise. Tempestuous.

2012-02-07T01:47:00.004+08:00

"Treat your life like the sea, your heart the shore and your friends the waves...

It doesn't matter - how many waves there are, what matters is how one touches the shore"

It was daddy's birthday yesterday.

He turned 52.

I remember in Form 2, when I was 12, I won the Father's Day slogan writing competition.

I wrote this:

"I love you daddy because you taught me to believe in myself"

I'd like to think I'm a little chip of the old block :) and inherited parts of his charisma (charms) and passion for having big dreams, aiming high and working hard towards those dreams.

I remember, the night before I left for Australia (aged 14), I had a sudden wave of anxiety and panic that hit me... and I couldn't sleep. The sudden daunting of leaving home to a new country with a different culture, being on my own for the very first time, leaving the comforts of my home- I got scared. So scared, my heart was beating so hard, I could not sleep.

I went downstairs- and daddy soon joined me. We stayed up talking, as he brushed away my deepest fears, helped allay some of my anxieties and gave me a little confidence boost.

How far we've come. Both of us ;) I'm now a "big, bad doctor" as my boss puts it :)

And daddy's business is flourishing! of course with mummy behind him!

MY dearest daddy and mummy- my biggest supporters along with my 3 sisters.

I am so so blessed to have such great parents who love me with all of their hearts.

Happy Birthday daddy!

Thanks for always being there for me, for being so awesome :)

2012-02-06T17:53:00.003+08:00

Nobody said breaking up was easy.
But we did it well. Maturely, mutually and amicably. It ended on a positive note- before I bid my farewell to Chicago for Washington, DC.

BUT having said that, nothing ever prepares you enough no matter how much mental strength you have- for ending a good relationship. With someone who has such a big soul, who makes you smile and loves you for being you... I remember the nights I was torn, with so many uncertainties in my life, for not being able to give my all to someone whose heart had mine in hand. The numerous discussions we had, were undoubtedly heart-rending, open and honest, but it had to be done- despite us both breaking down in tears a few times.

I have to say this, love is a beautiful thing. Love with passion, together can make us all better human beings. And we need more of that in this world.

Again, a quote that comes to mind from a dear friend a long time ago- "better to have loved and lost than not loved at all" - I couldn't agree more.

I am at home with family now. My rocks.
My friends of course, are a tremendously supportive one. But we have promised to make it the least painful breakup ever. We will still be there for each other, (lol)- although it sounds like he may be there for me (watching my back) since he's always been the more dependable and independent one. BUT I am a tough cookie too, and I have definitely grown a lot in the past year, with him by my side :) *suesue, remember, you are a feisty cili padi*

We both have so many things to focus on. Both of us, driven. (lol) although I think I am definitely the more driven one. as I have always been.

I love my job, and right now, I will stay focused. On ABIM, USMLE Step 3, forging a strong foothold in DC for my hematology/oncology fellowship. I want to kick ass :)

I want to make myself and my loved ones proud of me. A little smile is curved on my lips as I am typing this now.

I have big dreams. I know that. My close ones sometimes worry for me. A few friends of mine call me the "over-achiever"- but I never think of myself as that. I want to go as far as my best can take me.

Medicine is my destiny, and I will give it my very all. And go out there, make my mark and be a role model my sisters can emulate. I am determined to make a positive difference in people's lives. You know how they say "the torch that lights up people's lives"; I aspire to be that.

I am growing up. My best friends in Chicago have said they have watched me grow so much in the past two years, into a young woman. Life lessons that have molded me, and given me new perspectives- on everything. I have definitely matured a lot.

I do feel like an old soul (lol) (Maybe I sound like one too lol)
My writing may seem erratic in this post.
But how I am feeling inside, is poured out here in this entry- no holds barred.

I have cross paths with so many amazing people, who have taught me so much in Chicago.
And I am going to use all of those experiences to make me a better person.

Vincent Van Gogh said this once
"It is good to love many things, for therein lies strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done with love is well done"

To the people who have loved me for who I am and still love me, I thank you.
You know who you are. No need to mention it here, since I probably already bombard you guys with my emails ;) (or copies of my blog entries hehe)

To living out our dreams!
Much love,
Sueyi :)

2012-02-04T15:59:00.004+08:00

How can I ever forget ...

Miami for my last heme/onc fellowship interview. Where my heart opened up
June 15, 2011. Joy in my heart yet a twang of pain watching your face- but you stayed strong
Rihanna's concert - a surprise treat. That was the best celebration gift ever.
"We found love in a hopeless place" by Rihanna
Walking by the Chicago river, just embracing life and love

To one person who's taught me so much about love, life - and myself.

To the person who's made me smile and laugh more than anyone else in the past year

To the person who's brought so much light and joy into my life

To the person who's held me close when I've cried tears from rough days at work

... and to giving me pep talks to remind me to be strong and stand tall

To the person who's whipped up his own version of Malaysian nasi lemak and "dried-up" Bak Kut Teh (lol)

To the person who's taken me to the dog shelter for me to squeal at the cute doggies!

To the person who's made me feel beautiful, both in and out, about myself

To the person who's made my heart skip beats

To the person who's been there for me always :)

... for bringing me cupcakes/pastry treats when I'm on long call at work and waiting patiently for me downstairs as I deal with my patients

... for writing me long, soppy emails that really touch my heart

...for sending me portions of lyrics from love songs that remind him of us

... for picking me up when no cabs are near RUSH when I'm nearly in tears/completely exhausted waiting for one to come by, late at night after my long call

...for whipping up my dinners when I don't do a good job taking care of myself

(and saying "Baby, look at how skinny your arms are" and checking my bones out lol)

...for drying my tears, hugging me tight and holding my hands when I'm really down

...for being so supportive in everything I do, and only wanting the very best for me

...for being so loving, so giving

You have a big heart, Gabe.

I am glad I met you.

You've made the past year nothing short of amazing- full of love, life and joy.

Thank you also for giving me the best 24th birthday.

You will always have a place in my heart.

Here's to looking forward, chasing our big dreams, supporting each other as best as we can in the form of best friends, and to living life to the fullest, and going after the sky.

"Because it's not love to be static like the desert, nor is it love to roam the world like the wind. And it's not love to see everything from a distance, like you do. Love is the force that transforms and improves the Soul of the World. When I first reached through to it, I thought the Soul of the World was perfect. But later, I could see that it was like other aspects of creation, and had its own passions and wars. It is we who nourish the Soul of the World, and the world we live in will be either better or worse, depending on whether we become better or worse. And that's where the power of love comes in. Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are."

— Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

2012-01-14T17:03:00.002+08:00

I feel like I've been away from everything, as I've been in the hospital the past month, spending most of my hours there.

GMF. is over for good. Because of GMF, I haven't really had time to celebrate Christmas or usher in the New Year 2012. I have yet to make my new year's resolutions.

My aspirations - this year?
It is past January 13th, Friday- we are now three hours into Saturday Jan 14, 2012. I'm two weeks behind in making my resolutions list. But so many thoughts are in my head.

Big things - I always tell my interns when it comes to dealing with the heavy patient load that we have; "focus on the big things" when it comes to patient care. We can deal with the rest later.

Big things in life?- I guess the same should apply.

Life. Love. Living- in the moment. Learning.

Growing up as a person in every aspect; professionally in my career (TICK)- I've gotten my heme/onc fellowship, and will be making my big move to DC in the coming July.
Growing up in love:- there's been a special person who's taught me a lot in this department.
Our love? I'm not so sure- the distance is obstacle number 1. Our wants in life and core values are similar, but we are both similarly driven people- whose aspirations will likely lead us to very different places. 3. My future uncertainty with regards to my visa issue; is another unknown factor- where will I be after fellowship? Where will my visa issues take me to next? Will I choose to remain here where my core training have been, where according to my best friend "where I've done most of my growing up"? OR- will I choose to fly where the wind will take me next?

The world is my oyster. With my sub-specialty training in arm, I can go wherever I want.
I can plant myself closer to home, in South East Asia or Australia - or end up doing visionary work in a poverty-stricken area where medical care is under-established...or stay here- and fulfill my visa requirements.

I am still trying to figure out what I want in life. I find myself always so fickle. Yet always wanting so much more. I don't ever want to be complacent. I want to achieve. and have fun whilst going at it :)

Confused, I know I sound (lol) - but with time, I'm figuring myself out and embracing all opportunities and exploring all options.

I want to do what makes me happy. I want to have the luxury of loving my job as well as being able to take time off to enjoy life's pleasures; to see the world.

To meet more people.

I guess that's it.

My resolutions for this year:
1) To grow as a competent, compassionate, extra-ordinary heme/oncologist.
2) To spend more time on my loved ones
3) To cherish the friendships I've made and strengthen them
4) To learn to enjoy life, and take things easy when times get rough/stressful
5) To write more, and maybe publish a book on my life's journey (lol)- don't laugh!
6) To be open to life, love and to laugh more, spread more smiles, light up faces, and to dream more/aspire for bigger things in life- all the while remembering to smell the roses and enjoy life's simple pleasures and remembering where I started out from- and remembering the people by me who's stand strong and supported me throughout my journey.

To the new year, although a belated wish, I certainly hope everyone takes this as a reminder to self to live in the present, learn from the past but don't let it hold you back and look forward to the future.

It's all in your hands!

Carpe diem! :)

Lots of love,
Sueyi

2011-11-26T05:50:00.003+08:00

This morning, I was covering for another co-senior. In fact, I was the only senior today, with three interns on the cancer ward.

I was paged- a patient was found unresponsive.

I ran over there, called that patient's intern to come over. I found her eyes rolled upwards, completely nonresponsive to pain/verbal stimuli, and with agonal breathing.

No pulse was palpable. We started immediate chest compressions. My heart was pounding.

The code went on for longer than half an hour. My heart skipped a beat when someone felt a pulse. But then the machine said to analyze rhythm- she lost her pulse. Or she never got it back in the first place.

6 shocks. 3 epinephrine shots. Calcium. Sodium bicarb. Everything failed. She remained pulseless.

Everybody was looking to me. I was the code leader.

It was running for more than half an hour. I did what I had to do. I didn't want her life to end in vain, to end without trying. Her unresponsiveness was unexpected. She was well this morning, 3 different doctors had assessed her at different times, and she looked good to each one.

Until she was found, unresponsive.

I called the code off. Called her time of death. Pronounced her.

I don't remember what ran through my head- but I felt like my soul came out and I was looking at everything around me. We gave it our best shot.

I walked away, feeling strange. Thought of everything possible, and what else more?

The cardiology fellow came, and tears suddenly came streaming down. I couldn't hold it back for some reason. I tried keeping my cool. I wiped them away...

I wanted to make sure I had done everything. Although this pt was admitted by another team, but this morning's incident, she had become my patient.

It was that intern's first code blue- and that intern's first patient death. I know she's still in shock for now, trying to hold everything together.

I called the husband up, and he broke down on the phone, and cried. He was upset, angry and heartbroken. That was when my heart broke. I met them in person, and couldn't comfort them.

They needed their time with the patient.

I had talked this case over with my two attendings and my fellow- this came as a complete surprise.

I told my intern who was still feeling numb 'you never get used to losing a patient. Never'.

In contrast to what people think, a compassionate doctor is one who never loses his/her emotions and the human touch.

May you rest in peace.

2011-11-14T07:48:00.003+08:00

"One of the strongest characteristics of genius is the power of lighting its own fire"

"None are so old as those who have outlived their enthusiasm"

She said this to me today, one of my closest friends, 'You are a deep thinker and have a warm heart. All around you is kindness'

That to me, was one of the warmest things anyone has ever said to me. (and heart-rending too)

I've always believed it's no point having someone who's a genius if they don't have a big heart. Having a heart means you'll put the brains you have to good use, to make a positive impact, in some way.

"The people who make a difference are not the ones with credentials, but the ones with concern"

I'm one who strongly believes you can get to where you are, without having to harden your heart or be malignant to others.

2011-11-13T14:18:00.001+08:00

2011-11-13T14:09:00.001+08:00

2011-11-13T13:31:00.002+08:00

"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or to usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky"

Life is exactly as they've put it. Bittersweet at times. Sometimes you're dealt with cards which you have no control of, so it's how you play the cards that matter. Or how they say life's like a glass, you either choose to look at it half full or half empty. It's really all up to you.
You choose and make your own destiny.

We celebrated Ayesha's birthday tonight. After the birthday dinner was over, we RUSHies sat together at one end of the table and just laughed our heads off. Friends getting together after a long time, and sharing jokes, teasing each other, laughing, clapping hands in enthusiasm (ok- maybe that's just what I like to do ;)), hugging and with lots of smiles to go around. After that, Christine, Ayesha and I decided to spend the latter part of the night over dessert and with more catching up. We got cupcakes, hot chocolate - sat in the car- just the three of us-sitting for about an hour IN the car. WE...

Talked about how we'll miss each other when the time comes when Christine and I will leave for different states for our respective fellowships, about Nostradamus and his predictions of the world coming to an end (that was morbid, but we said our "I love U s"), about moving on to the next phase in life- ie finding a life partner and settling down, having kids...

Often times, we feel like life throws a lot of challenges in our faces, and we get overwhelmed, or things don't go the way we had hoped or planned it would be, and still aren't looking all that bright ---> but the least constructive thing to do is to have self-doubt and to close yourself to opportunities with a negative mindset.

The key really is, to not hold back, as cliche as this sounds, to think positive and focus at what your next goal/dream is, and with your mental thoughts put to good work, you'll be emanating positive energy that somehow I believe (just somehow) puts you in a better position at working towards those dreams/goals anyway.

My old roommate from boarding school in Australia once said to me, one night when I woke up homesick, almost with a panic attack, unable to sleep "Sueyi, everything will be ok"

If you want something, go get it. Don't let life beat you, and keep you down. And definitely, don't let the small things stress you. (I know I'm guilty of that all the time ;))

Climb up, and let yourself soar. You'll get there somehow :) Have faith.

I do. and it always keeps me going. Remember this, life's too valuable to waste it questioning yourself, doubting things, regretting. So live ala carpe diem :)
Love lots to all! xo

2011-11-06T01:37:00.004+08:00

I go to bed, dreaming.

I want so many things. I know sometimes I feel all charged up, wanting to chase the world.

Driven (yup). I like that term, better than ambitious.
I've come so far- and I don't want to slack off here, and let my growth curve become stagnant.

My priorities have changed with growing up, with being wiser, seeing more of the world, learning from people's experiences...

I yearn to see more of the world, travel more, put myself out there more, meet more people, go as far as I can in what will be my world starting next July (heme/onc)...

What worries me is I fear my own thoughts when my mind starts wondering, will hold me back. I don't want to hold myself back in anyway. I want to have the freedom to chase my dreams and explore the world. Ride challenges, overcome them.

Grow individually. Grow with friends. See places. Explore new cultures, new cuisines.

*haha* I think you get what my biggest want is: to travel. Period :)

2011-11-05T13:24:00.002+08:00

We all have our own life to pursue,
our own kind of dreams to be weaving,
and we all have the power to make wishes come true,
as long as we keep believing.

2011-11-05T13:18:00.004+08:00

I owe my friends here, so much.

I guess tonight's just one of those nights- where I sit, here in the comforts of my apartment, thinking deeply, reflecting, dreaming, reminiscing, and wondering...

Listening to nostalgic songs, just triggered a somewhat melancholic feeling. I guess, this bears a similarity to when I call my baby sister "emo" *laughs*

I'm looking back, at the wonderful times I've shared with my friends here- who've really been with me through thick and thin. A particular group. Who've listened to me cry, pulled me up - back to ground level, and stayed by my side literally during trying times.

I am really thankful, for the people I have surrounding me, who are my support pillars here.

If you're ever reading this, thank you for being there. *I heart you guys*

2011-11-05T13:07:00.002+08:00

Dr Billhardt (totally uncharacteristic of him for the following)- and so out of the blue when this statement popped:

"Sueyi, your metabolism is like a hummingbird........" - then- followed by this:
"You probably need 50,000 calories to keep up with your activity!"

OMG. It cracked all of us up. I thought he was so hilarious and so cute to have said that, AND on my very last day too, on cardiology!

I like how I have that effect on people, as Christine puts it. As long as I bring a smile to their faces, help them lighten up, or if they can crack up just teasing me :) I don't mind it one bit.

Dr Calvin listened to my heart, because I had requested for that. So I may have a "click". But now, I am reassured :) No more fears that sometimes crop up, and scare me about my own health.

2011-11-05T13:01:00.002+08:00

2011-11-05T12:42:00.003+08:00

Tears welled up in his eyes.

Tears were streaming down hers. His hands were gently stroking the left side of her cheek, whilst he stood, towering over her. Comforting her as best as he could, whilst he tried to grasp the reality of the situation.

She laid there, on the hospital bed, in the surgical intensive care unit, unable to move the right side of her face, her body. Completely paralyzed, on that half of her body. She's only 20 years old, completely healthy before, with no past medical history.

One evening, she went to bed, and woke up unable to speak, with facial droop and complete weakness on her right side. Imagine the fearful thoughts running through her mind then.

Imagine thoughts of your whole life flashing by, in front of you...
Your whole life changed, unexpectedly, one day when you wake up. Never again the same.

Terrifying.

Here he was, by her side. Her boyfriend. So loving, trying his best to hold himself together to be strong for her. I watched him there everyday. He was there everyday, without fail.

The show of love, concern and support was more than evident.
He truly cared for her.

She did tremendously well, over the next few days. The fact that a 20 year old who was living a completely normal life before, came in with a stroke- blew our minds. But it turns out she has a hole in her heart.

Her symptoms improved significantly. Initially, she couldn't even lift her right arm off the bed. When she started regaining strength, we taught her to speak again. She couldn't remember how to brush her teeth. But by day 3, her boyfriend had brought her a book on animals- and she could barely form the word "fox".

By close to the end of the first week, she could "high five" me. One fine day, I walked in there to examine her, after I had explained about what our plans were for her heart, she suddenly exclaimed 'Oh ok'. My eyes opened wide in surprise. She spoke. That was when my hands instinctively went up for a high five from her, and guess what? Her right hand rose up for mine.
My heart skipped a beat of joy and happiness for her.

I smiled so widely. *laughs*

Her uncle wanted me to sit next to her for a photo. I graciously said no, and offered to take their family picture, but he wouldn't take NO from me :)
SO I plonked myself next to her, and wrapped my arm around her- and we both smiled for the camera.

He showed me the picture and said 'Look, 2 pretty girls'. I laughed and said 'No, 3 pretty girls- look her mum was behind us' - and the whole room laughed in sync.

What a happy, joyful moment :)

I couldn't be happier for her, my dear girl.

Her family was the perfect example of how love pulled them all together, and made her stronger. I watched how her young boyfriend, probably only in his early 20s, stepped up and became the most supportive, responsible, caring lover- and it made my heart warm up on the inside :)

2011-11-02T11:19:00.004+08:00

Happy Halloween! :)))))) *something I came up with after I found out the birthday dinner I was attending that night had a theme* - so I googled halloween eye make-up, and VOILA! :)

2011-11-02T11:03:00.005+08:00

The other day, I had a new patient come in to see me in my clinic.
I am sure he did not expect what was in place for him, as his physician.

Here was a young 30 year old male who had many medical conditions. Only 30- but he had diabetes, hypertension and depression. He came in to see me to establish care with a new primary care physician- which is my role, essentially.

After almost halfway into the allocated time slot, he revealed he had a problem, just when I thought I was close to being done with history taking.

A problem, he had shared with his endocrinologist earlier that day, but said he will discuss with his new doctor- ME, in this case. That problem, was of his erectile dysfunction (ED).

Now, you get why I said he must have not expected to see me, a "relatively" young female physician to discuss his "presenting complaint" with. He was very very ashamed and embarassed, needless to say. I comforted him, and tried my very best to make that conversation one that was very casual, as if I see about 20 patients with ED everyday in my line of work. I wanted him as comfortable and as not awkward as possible, but it was about his manhood- that to him, has "failed". (Although it is more, as my boss puts it, 'it's not broken, it's just a little off, we will fix it'.)

As I found out- it began 4 years ago, when he caught his wife cheating on him. After that day, he said it just never worked like it used to. My heart broke when I heard that.
Here was a relatively good-looking, fit young man, who had no esteem because of a cheating spouse- of infidelity

As my boss expected, all our blood work came back normal- that it is all psychogenic in etiology. He is now seeing a counsellor to help him get back on track to living life.

I only hope that he realizes that he is worthy of having a normal, healthy relationship with a loving person... that his old spouse was a horrible horrible person... that he deserves so much more.

I hope he sees that it has been four years now, and that he should at least grant himself the opportunity to let go of the past, love himself and create a better future ahead of him.

2011-10-24T05:33:00.006+08:00

CASL's fundraiser event @ District Bar followed by a birthday celebration at Ontourage. There's nothing more that I love than hanging out with my closest friends :) *hearts*

2011-10-23T14:12:00.006+08:00

Love is a fabric which never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the water of adversity and grief.

Line by line, moment by moment, special times are etched into our memories in the permanent ink of everlasting love in our relationships.

Love is one of life's most beautiful gifts. Treasure this gift and don't be afraid to share it with people. There's nothing sweeter in life than to love and be loved.

*oh, I'm so cliche* - hehe. But I stand by what I just said.

To those who have had their hearts broken or broken hearts of others, don't ever make the mistake of not believing there's love out there. Don't hold yourself back by closing your heart. I think you live a more contented life if your heart remains open - both to life and love *carpe diem* :) *mwah*

2011-10-17T09:40:00.001+08:00

2011-10-17T09:37:00.000+08:00

Welcoming Fall 2011 :)

2011-10-02T22:39:00.003+08:00

"To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe"
Anatole France

"No one should part with their inividuality and become that of another"

2011-09-27T07:06:00.005+08:00

RIP Curt Stokes.
Another friend that we've lost. In a span of 2 years, we have lost two of our people. People with big hearts and with so much to give.

It feels so surreal. Walking out of the memorial ceremony held in honor of Curt, I felt shivers all over me. Being with all of Curt's friends and family- I saw and heard how selfless he was. How big his heart was; or should I say "is" - for what he's done will reverberate within all of us; resonate strong; and inspire us to be a better person.

He is indeed selfless. The word that kept cropping up to describe him- kind. Kindness that you could see everywhere; in his eyes; in his laughter; in his smile that was wide and generous from cheek to cheek; in his warm bear hugs that he loved giving; in his voice when talking to anyone.

He donated every organ in his body; including his eyes.
His mother did not even know that everytime he went back home to California, he would drive his nieces/nephews to the movies.
He sacrificed sleep just to be on the phone the entire night, providing emotional support to a friend; putting the other person's interest at priority.

This statement from one of the attendings today I believe was one that touched us all;
the reason why he would sit and place the IVs on the patients was not because he had to sit to perform the procedures, it was because (as Curt put it); he wanted to be at eye-level and personal with them; because he might be the last thing they see before they close their eyes.

I think that sent chills down my arms; because who thinks like that?
Only someone with a big, compassionate, empathic soul. Curt was that soul.

His girlfriend said despite his hard childhood, being teased when he was young, growing up juggling financial duties during medical school even, he was excited every morning on his way to work. He made it to work every morning. He wanted to be the best he could be -every single day.

He never resented the people who teased or bullied him, and instead, gave his all in being the best doctor and person he could be.

To Curt, you are an inspiration, a role model to the rest of us in medicine.

"Today I was reminded of the importance of preserving one's humanity while practising medicine. Thank you and RIP, Curt Stokes, MD"- by Irene (a senior-heme/onc fellow)

Jyoti: "Life is way too short...don't forget to tell your loved ones just how much you love them, to hug your acquaintances and to smile at strangers. RIP Curt, we miss you"

I wrote this "RIP Curt. We will miss that infectious smile, the warm bear hugs, the silly tune that you break into to make us laugh, and that big heart of yours. You are selfless; and will be missed by all of us"

- Hearing all the things he has done for everyone; and the giving soul that he had; I pray that his family is equipped with the strength to overcome this trying time- and know that he is looking down at all of us; knowing that we had with us; an amazing person with a wonderful heart; who has taught us all one thing; to serve others "tirelessly" and to aim at being the best we can be; be it in our jobs, at home with our loves ones in our relationships; and in living life to the fullest.

RIP Curt. and to the rest of us, carpe diem.

2011-09-26T07:16:00.003+08:00

I was on Palliative Care a week ago.

I was given a consult on a patient whose name was familiar. When I looked her up, I soon realised she was someone I had taken care of - for 3 weeks about 2 months ago, when I was on the general medicine floors.

I had grown to bond with her husband and her family, who were there everyday by her side- whilst she was fighting off complications from her disease; pancreatic cancer with metastases.
That disease carries a grave prognosis. But she is a trooper, and her family is an amazing support.
Collectively, she has made it through these past few months and done pretty well, despite the short survival rate these patients typically carry.

Her objective is to make it through to see her son's wedding.
Her indomitable sense of will and determined strength are factors that I believe more powerful than anything medicine can do for you; and I sincerely hope that that will see her through to her desired wish.

Being on palliative care taught me a few things I never knew about the dying.
1) There is such a thing as "unfinished business". There was a patient whose care was withdrawn after a painful decision by her family members. She made it through 3 weeks after her ventilator was taken off. She was waiting for something, and after it happened, she breathed her last.
2) Sometimes they hold on, painfully - because they know their family members are not ready for them to go. So they hold on to life, struggling and suffering. After some counselling from the Palliative Care team for the family, when they are ready to let go of their dying one, we let them know that they should tell their dying loved one that it is OK to go; that they grant the patient permission and reassurance to go, that they will do alright. Once that is said and mentioned, the dying ones usually go pretty quickly.

I was scared at first when I heard of that. But it is true, again, I am sure, the human spirit and strengh is more powerful than anything medicine can do for them- to keep them going.
The most common reason that these patients hold on is I find, usually in the name of family love.

It's nothing like love for your loved ones- to keep you fighting, despite all odds, isn't it?
Strange how the world works, but hey, you can call me a believer- but I believe prayers and the human spirit can withstand and accomplish anything, and surpass expectations.

Anyway, back to my patient; they remembered me. Her husband called me out, fondly "You remember Dr. Lai?" to my patient.

One morning, when I walked in with my boss and team from Palliative Care; he asked my attending "Are you her boss?". Dr Yeow nodded yes, and he responded "Dr. Lai here is amazing. You need to know that", whilst pointing to me- and that made my heart smile with so much warmth and gratitude.

My prayers are with their entire family, for seeing her through to the wedding and perhaps, longer :)
Keeping my fingers crossed- and yes, I AM a believer.

2011-09-23T10:54:00.007+08:00

The other night, a mutual friend was visiting from NYC. I brought him to an early evening drinks event that was being attended by our other mutual friend and his work colleagues.

These were people who are highly educated, probably had been one of the brightest in their classes, to have come into a highly established position at their finance/corporate firms currently, earning pretty decent money.

However, after a few minutes into settling in with them at a rooftop bar, I was soon turned off by how conceited and arrogant they were. There was no effort from anyone from their circle to try and involve the visitor from out of town. What was palpable was that most of them (not all) but most- acted as though they were very much more "superior" from the rest of us. And on what account? How much money they were making? Or their ranks in their companies?

The sense of grandiosity and arrogance in them were not subtle. I was clearly disgusted, and honestly- disappointed for bringing my friend to join them.

I do not think it is an understatement to say some of them were self-centered with very inflated egos. There was even one who had to brag about her 8 pairs of $500 dollar Jimmy Choos.

"We come nearest to the great when we are great in HUMILITY"

You don't garner respect from others by showing off, or acting above people. Mutual respect comes from how you stand with people.

To me, you are a bigger person, if you can be both successful and humble.
Now that indicates a person of character and integrity. And that will be someone whom I certainly will respect and look up to.

2011-09-23T10:51:00.001+08:00

Hot chocolate, churros and tres leche on a rainy evening :)

2011-09-19T13:24:00.003+08:00

Waking up this morning, all thoughts were on making it to that dim sum event with a visitor from NYC and my Malaysian friends---> but that plan fell out, cos I woke up freezing and exhausted. So I fell back to sleep under my warm duvet and only woke up past noon!

I don't do well with cold, coming from the tropics. Sniffles. Icy cold hands. I hear the complaints from EVERYONE. Sleepiness (I think everyone succumbs to this- just as an excuse to not get out of bed ;)). The cold- I utterly despise.

So it was a really nice surprise to have dim sum brought over to me :) Nothing like a sweet, caring gesture like that to light up my day (and elicit wide smiles all round) --- 3 egg tarts, 3 char siew baos, 2 big pork buns, 4 siew mai, 4 har gau --- my favorites! to make me satisfied and smiling like a silly, greedy goofball. (lol) Foods I love can turn me into a lil girl, I swear (embarassingly).

Had dinner with Christine, Ayesha @ Mariam's house tonight. Mariam said to come over for a home-cooked dinner. It was a succulent feast- we all left with bursting zippers and a hearty feeling of contentment- from sharing laughters, catching up and enjoying each other's company.
The simple joys of life.
Next up, to celebrate Ayesha's 29th! :)
Back to working on my CPC. (it's this Thursday!) woot.

2011-09-19T13:21:00.001+08:00

It's always heart-warming when your patients and their families validate you in front of your attending. Sincere words, that do wonders to a doctor's soul & psyche- knowing that your efforts are being acknowledged and appreciated- and that they think you're doing a great job :)

It never fails to make my day!

2011-09-13T11:41:00.001+08:00

I got my second paper accepted for publication! :)))))))

And I thought they threw it into the bin, cos it was submitted a year ago (a delightful surprise!)

I'm on top of the world!

2011-09-13T11:39:00.000+08:00

2011-09-13T11:37:00.000+08:00

2011-09-08T05:42:00.004+08:00

This was my ponytail look which caused trouble for me at the Roof at The Wit.

The bouncer really thought I was too young despite the same ID I have used here for 2 years, and proceeded to ask for my passport. I became feisty, and stood my ground, telling him I've been using the same ID for two years, even been to the Roof before without any issues- why the heck should I bring my passport? I said this is a legitimate ID from Canada- I'm also a physician at Rush, bringing a passport is dangerous - there IS no need for me to do that. I did not back down, the line behind me was getting longer.

Savio nudged me and said 'Sueyi, let it go. He said "next time"- that means he's letting you in'.

I didn't care, and ignored him. That was not the issue, the issue was I had a legal ID and there was no need to drag my passport along with my ID. The bouncer backed down, and I was surprised, (hehe) the big guy cowered, and did not put up a fight with me. Anyway, I don't know if he just didn't want to fight with a pee-wee sized girl or he was really intimidated (I'd like to think the latter, but I doubt it lol). Anyway I took my ponytail down after that. TOO young :(

2011-09-06T03:43:00.003+08:00

"One should never count the year---one should instead count one's interests. I have kept young trying never to lose my childhood sense of wonderment. I'm glad I still have a vivid curiosity of the world I live in" - Helen Keller.

2011-09-05T15:43:00.000+08:00

2011-09-05T08:26:00.003+08:00

Sitting here in my own world
Out in the sun,
Shaded by a black metal umbrella
Wind blowing, intermittently strong
My papers flip vigorously and my hair's wild around my face
Birds on the ground, in a happy circle
My second day here
Perhaps it's now my new favorite spot
In solitude
I'm mesmerised by all around me.
Another wedding photography session
3 gorgeous female photographers,
all dressed in understated black,
fussing over the beautiful engaged couple
Who are now lovingly staring into each other's eyes
Her hands around his shoulders,
whilst his is firmly on her hips
A union of love that binds...
Passer-bys capturing the moment too
Meanwhile, the water fountain jets up and down
in synchronized harmony,
Serene, calm yet captivating
I am distracted from my books
My thoughts are on
how lucky I am to be here.
Here in this breathtaking city with so much to give
Here with what I have grown into
Someone said "my formative years"
Here, when I first heard my title "Dr. Lai" bestowed.
8 more months til residency ends.
Medical school to residency, from home to Australia to Canada to NYC to Chicago
The next step beckons- fellowship
Oncology
Washington DC
Excited, yes. Thrilled and ready to soar, but nervous.
Somehow wishing my family can be here to see how they've played the big part in all of this
In making all my dreams come true.

I am blessed.

Sueyi

2011-09-05T08:24:00.000+08:00

2011-08-28T15:09:00.004+08:00

To find the universal elements enough; to find the air and water exhilarating; to be refreshed by a morning walk or an evening saunter; to be elated over a bird's nest or a wildflower in spring-these are some of the rewards of the simple life -

John Burroughs.

2011-08-28T13:41:00.003+08:00

I think if there's one thing I need to learn to do; it's to take better care of myself.

I have procrastinated the things on my list-to-do for so long, because of night shifts and sleep deprivation. I still have yet to close my sleep debt. But I feel it's such a waste, it's still warm out, I yearn so badly to want to make the best of it now, and at the back of my head, there's always that nagging thought that I only have months left in this amazing city, Chicago.

The next 3 years will see me in Washington D.C. My heart sinks when I think of leaving all the friends I've made here and the gorgeous city I live in. People are always asking me 'Aren't you excited Sueyi? Have you started looking for a place to live?' I shudder to think so far ahead. I'm not ready yet.
Not ready to pack up, move to a new city, and start over. Yes, I'm excited, thrilled at moving to another big city- but Chicago's treated me so well.
I want to sleep, breathe, live Chicago for my next few remaining months here- even if it means sacrificing sleep.

How bad does that sound?
Jyoti and I were on the phone today, talking about taking time off for ourselves- having a day just to do the things we need to, for our own well-being. I need to. She's right though, right now, we're not balanced - we're working so hard in the hospital, we're tired chronically, and we go out to meet our friends and please them (willingly and wholeheartedly, of course)- but to the extent, we put ourselves aside.

Today, it felt like that for me. I wanted so badly to check out the SummerDance Festival, but I fell asleep and woke up still tired. I wanted to go out with the 2nd years and party tonight, but my body can only let me do so much. I wanted to respond to all my text messages and go out and meet all of them. Some of whom I've let down (but I've tried, believe me) for not catching up sooner. I was sad, miserable, even down for a bit--- and after that conversation with Jyoti, it turns out we're in the same boat, feeling the same mixed emotions, being torn between going out doing all versus taking a chill pill for ourselves.

I'm all better now, putting things in perspective. How can we go out and give ourselves 100% if we're tired, and unbalanced holistically? I did catch a ballet performance at Millenium Park with Savio and we caught the fireworks from the ferris wheel at Navy Pier. It was beautiful, and not too tiring physically :)

Tomorrow is a new day. Looking forward to a well-rested night :)

2011-08-28T13:36:00.002+08:00

A patient of mine was found on the Amtrak station, confused. When asked where he was going, he replied 'I'm going to take the train from CHicago to California to meet the President'- and so, he was brought in to the emergency department :) (laughs)

He was a sweetheart. Pleasantly demented, I'm sure, with a strong element of delirium. When I met him in person the first time, he had covered the blanket over his entire face and would not let it go. When I finally wrung it free, I noticed he was in soft wrist restraints.

We had absolutely no contact information to gather more information- from his family/friends/or about his home. But worked him UP- and it turns out, he had a UTI.

The next day, my intern asked him about who he lives with. He answered, his wife. When asked about medications he takes, he replied 'My wife is my medications'. And I thought that was the sweetest remark ever, from a confused person.

Now- that's a DEFINITE indication of love he has for his wife. Awwww :)

2011-08-28T13:32:00.000+08:00

2011-08-28T13:27:00.000+08:00

2011-08-19T06:23:00.007+08:00

Night shifts now. Hours are a little messed up 9pm-10am. But I'm surviving.

The picture below depicts the yummy Oreo cake which the attending brought in to celebrate his "best MICU team" :) What a great way to start our post-call rounds :) Nothing like this sweet gesture of sweet goodie to bring up the team spirit :) x

I have only been able to sleep for 4-5 hours post-call, and then my body can't seem to sleep anymore. I'm so glad its only a few more days, because I know I'm accumulating a lot of sleep debt. Sipping on my hot Milo now- ahh so blissful .. :)

Brunch dates the next few mornings to make the most of my social life whilst being on night floats. I AM determined to enjoy as much of the remaining summer as I can.

Hope you enjoyed my incessant VAIN picture collage of myself *hee*

On a happy happy note, my baby sister got into medical school. I can't help but feel so proud of her. She called me up I believe on an early weekend morning when I was still sound asleep from my night shift, and texted me urgently- needing my help. We worked it out together, and the good news came in really quickly. Of course, I found out the unofficial way - via facebook when she sent me a public big shoutout of thank you and for being her inspiration (I honestly felt so touched, I am sure if I were home we'd be hugging in tears of joy)

It is undeniably one of my proudest moments of being a big sister.
Sisterly love.
I love you all so very much. Love, jie :)

2011-08-11T12:25:00.001+08:00

2011-08-11T12:22:00.000+08:00

2011-08-09T08:08:00.002+08:00

IN everyone's life, at some point, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flames by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful to those people who rekindle the inner spirit- Albert Schweitzer.

Yesterday, my whole body started aching. The typical viral prodrome. Malaise. Myalgias. Arthralgias. Chills. Hot on the outside but freezing within my core.
The last time I had something like this, I believe was when I was in NYC during my 4th year medical electives- where I basically laid in bed, in pain, unable to move. (And, of course, utterly sad and depressed-) I remember though, the silver lining was late at night, I had a wonderful friend come over with hot porridge. Friends like that don't come by easy. I was really lucky to have them by my side.

By early afternoon today, I was freezing despite wearing a thermal and a singlet underneath my long sleeved thermal. I crashed in a call room, and woke up with a bright red burning hot face. The nurse checked my temp- Christine said to get my vitals checked- she joked and said maybe I'll again end up in the emergency department (and get admitted to her!).

My spirits were down today. I didn't have the energy to be the usual bubble of excitement and joy around my friends. I felt miserable.

I was close to tears when things later in the day didn't turn out so well-my train stop's CTA machine was not working, I had to walk at least another 6 miles when it started to drizzle, over to Cook County's side. People were pushing in the crowded train when I reached my stop, and my shoe slipped off, and they got annoyed cos I was looking for it- but couldn't find it- thankfully, someone passed it up to the front. Then, I broke my water filter at home- I don't know how I dropped it and it fell. All these things happening and the fact that I still felt really cold, with chills, didn't help.

I know for a fact, when my patients don't feel well, they tend to revert to child-like behaviors sometimes, and I know I myself lose control of my own emotions when I don't feel well. I definitely am more emotional and get more easily overwhelmed.

As I'm writing this, I feel better. I made ginger soup with sesame tong yuen- my favorite- what mum always whips up for me when I am home :) My fever has broken.
Hence, I am happier now. I am starting to sweat- which is a great sign. I know it's probably from the tylenol- but the chills are less severe now than earlier today!

I know - if mum is aware of this, she'd force me to drink that disgusting same old bitter black Chinese medicine to "heat my body up" - because back then, the doctors had figured out that my body became cold really easily. *bah*

Onto my tong yuen :)

2011-08-05T11:32:00.004+08:00

Got the most heart-warming evaluation from Dr Towbin. I couldn't help but smile deep inside, and feel so tremendously touched.

I have grown so much. It's crazy to think I'm down to my last year in my medicine residency!

Bumped into Ashwin, who was a third year when I was an intern- He is now into his 2nd year of renal fellowship, whilst I'm now a super senior on the floors (*lol*). He said 'Can you believe it? You're almost done, Sueyi!'. I responded excitedly "I know! I was a baby when I started, I've grown up!", and he laughed.

Time does fly. I wrote to the 3 sisters at home telling them to enjoy school, enjoy learning. So that when they enter the workforce, they can instead focus on building rapport with people around them, and on growing up, and learning on developing their interpersonal skills.

I am contented. I can't ask for more, I've been really lucky :) *thank you*

2011-08-01T10:07:00.001+08:00

2011-08-01T09:47:00.006+08:00

I'm feeling mentally exhausted. Also, for some reason, emotionally drained.

Lsat night, I slept over at my best friend's place- and we talked for 3 hours straight til 3am. We've all been overworked and overwhelmed from happenings at work- and have not caught up for a long time.

It was really therapeutic and soul-fulfilling. Today, we celebrated Pat's birthday at Lillie's Q, and Roselyn, Fareed joined the 4 of us for ice-cream and iced coffee. I was just really happy, it was serene, low-key but just what I needed. It was medicine for my soul. My friends - whom I have not seen for months.

Last night, Tarek and I sat together at Palak's house party and just talked away- about life, relationships, family- our lives revolve so much around our work, because we spend so much time at work, that a lot of sacrifices are made in other parts of our lives inevitably. And the sad thing about it, is that the people who are not in medicine whose lives are intertwined with ours, will also have to understand that - and will need to know that if they'd like to be a part of our lives, they'll also have to sacrifice -a lot. This fact has hit even more recently with me pulling more than 85-90 hours per week for the last month. I'd barely stepped out of my apartment if I'm not in the hospital.

It's hard not to feel consumed by medicine, but the irony is that, although we complain about working so hard, working such long brutal hours- we love our jobs. We love what we do.

I guess the hard part for me now, is to learn how to juggle having a normal life outside of medicine, and putting in effort to spending time with people outside of work, people who care for me, people who've been there for me.

2011-08-01T09:45:00.000+08:00

2011-08-01T09:43:00.000+08:00

2011-07-30T05:27:00.002+08:00

MY wonderful team. Our dinner at Reza's.

2011-07-26T10:43:00.003+08:00

Happiness comes from the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed- Storm Jameson

Beauty is not in the face, beauty is a light in the heart -Kahlil Gibran

2011-07-26T06:00:00.004+08:00

Sometimes your heart weeps. When you're hurt and down.

Maybe the hurt was unintentional, maybe not. But whatever it is, it's not worth your tears or sleepless nights.

Hold your head up and hold on to your strength. I thank god for my amazing friends at work, who's always there for me. Friends who give me clarity whilst I'm in my own bubble.

Guidance. I need right now.

2011-07-21T13:14:00.004+08:00

I know it's past twelve, and I just finished working from 7am-11pm, but I just feel so inspired.

Might sound silly, but I'm bursting with passion, fiery ambition- I just feel so on top of this world.

Feeling like I'm capable of achieving so much, of becoming someone who will make a difference in my field of work. (Maybe it's also because I'm listening to Greyson Chance 'Waiting outside the lines') ;)

2011-07-21T12:42:00.002+08:00

I love my team.
We're made up of such colorful, different personalities and form a good mix. I can't help but feel lucky to have good chemistry with all, and on top of it, an attending who's understanding and supportive as well.

Of note, I feel I've really grown as a physician- as a third year, I'm so comfortable in my position, making medical decisions, calling the shots, teaching and hopefully, forming a good example for my interns and medical students. I hope they're learning a thing or two from me :)

Kyle has dropped me home twice, I'm so grateful for that. He's a sweetheart. Farhan, the 6 footer is the mischievious one with long hair that puts mine to shame. Anna, is the chef and baker extraordinaire who speaks Polish, and Ben is my sweet, quiet medical student who's an amazing father of 2 kids (Amazing!). What a team.

Another long call done. Two more to go, and GMF will be over.

2011-07-20T11:29:00.002+08:00

The warning alarm rang. It was from one of the patient's rooms down the hallway.
My attending wasted no time, and we all followed quickly.

I walked into the room, and completely missed him.
I peeked into the bed, there was no one there. Then, I took 2 steps back, there he was... lying on the ground on his right side, crouched and contracted. I looked further and a pool of blood streaming from his face and head forming...

This poor old man fell, and he was now bleeding and unable to move.

My intern, a big giant 6 footer quickly grabbed hold of his torso, and the 2 nurses behind me grabbed the lower end of the patient, and I held his head- whilst we lifted him together to the bed.

My entire left hand was soaked in blood, my watch was drenched.

I looked at him, and his eyes were ticking left-to-right; it's called nystagmus. I swear that was my very first time I saw that, in my 3rd year of residency...

His big eyes looked up into mine, and I saw fear. My heart almost cried. Many doctors by now, had already arrived- with nurses, all in a little frenzy, checking his vitals, feeling his pulse, getting his blood pressure, asking him to squeeze our hands (our little neuro exam to assess his brain nerves function).

When he was unable to obey our commands, my heart sank even more.
But 5 minutes later, he managed to squeeze one of my colleague's fingers- and a huge wave of relief overcame me. I was really really glad.

His entire right side of his head was swollen, and he was still bleeding, oozing from his head and his face.

No doubt, he would have suffered a brain bleed from the fall.

I wrote on facebook later that day, how at that moment, just imagining being in his position, lying there - with a horde of doctors clamouring to stabilise you and assess you, it must be nerve-wrecking in the very least.

I saw his eyes that were wide with fear. I ould only imagine how terrified he must have been, what thoughts were going through his head, and how scary it is to be so old and so fragile.

My friends and I at work- we occassionally bring up our parents, and how we see them aging in front of our eyes. We see suffering, pain, loss, grief - everyday at work, and I feel, being in the medical profession, we learn not to take our loved ones for granted. And that includes taking good care of them, making sure they're safe and healthy.

Life- what good is living when you don't have a healthy, functional body that goes along with it to celebrate and enjoy life?

Take good care of your health, and do me a favor- keep a close eye out for your elderly loved ones.

2011-07-20T11:16:00.004+08:00

A pleasant 30-something year old lady was admitted to us recently. She came in with 'chronic abdominal pain'. I should add she has metastatic breast cancer that has gone to her liver and is currently undergoing chemotherapy. And she's only 30-something.

When we did the CT scan of her belly, we found the reason for her 'chronic pain' that's been persistent for the past 3-4 months.

She has cancer that has spread throughout her belly. It's called peritoneal carcinomatosis, and it does not carry a good prognosis.

When we broke the news to her, she broke down into tears. Then, she apologised for doing so.
My attending held her hand, and said 'Don't say sorry, honey'. We stayed silent for a bit, until she collected herself.

She's so young, it broke my heart. She said 'I've had this pain for so long and had scans, X rays done.... but they never showed anything'

The tears came rolling down.
My boss replied 'It must have been planting its seed but was never enough for scans to catch it'.

Her tears stopped soon after. I think deep down, when the pain continued, she must have sensed something was not right... with this news, it only confirmed her biggest fears...

We left the room soon after. But judging from her character, she has a strong will and steely determination. Hopefully, she'll be one of the lucky ones to beat this.

We should always have faith no matter what the diagnosis is.
Because, time and time again, there will always be some lovely surprises and unexpected outliers - and as their physicians, we should give them that shot.

2011-07-19T09:16:00.001+08:00

2011-07-16T11:44:00.001+08:00

2011-07-16T11:37:00.001+08:00

2011-07-16T11:36:00.000+08:00

2011-07-16T11:33:00.000+08:00

2011-07-16T11:30:00.000+08:00

2011-07-16T11:12:00.002+08:00

The persistent cough has left me, but my voice remains husky- to which I have no complaints. Christine said 'it adds to your sultriness', and I laughed over the phone. I find it helps to my advantage =) *in many little ways* ;)

Geja's cafe dinner, over cheese & chocolate fondue, seafood and red wine :) Divine.

I am on a really rough rotation, which is only brutal because of the new ruling hours. The seniors are all definitely pulling in more than 80 hours per week. We are so overworked, overwhelmed- but we do our best. We have with us new interns & enthusiastic medical students- my team whom I love and adore. They are a wonderful bunch of people to work with. Safdar, who occassionally has driven me home on really really late nights, or waited for me to be done with work, to drive me home- has been a sweetheart. My friends on the floors, have been my biggest support pillars. We give each other the occassional hugs, squeeze our hands together in solidarity and encourage each other to keep going. It sounds so terrible, but we are really burdened with the new working hours. Someone close to me complained I have been more irritable, all of us look stressed in the very least.

I am just so thankful for the amazing, supportive people around me. I come back so exhausted, I don't even have the energy to go out and enjoy summer. Jyoti and I managed to squeeze in dinner on the way back from work at Opart Thai. Sai, Jyoti and I shared a drink at Coast Sushi just talking about work, boys and laughing together for 2 hours- that was amazing.

Just strolling on my occassional day off, down Millenium Park, enjoying the summer music festivals being performed, the frozen yogurt treat with mochi :), drinking the Moscato or Riesling that I have learned to love :), visiting the BEAN :), eating home-cooked Bak Kut Teh with the Malaysians :), sitting in Shanghai Terrace at the Peninsula sipping on a ning sling, having pastry tarts as a treat post-call, finding a container of home-cooked beef and pot stickers delivered to my doorman for me after a long day at work!, lying on my sundeck, drinking my chocolate mint tea at Argo Tea just people-watching, having extra servings from the boss at Simply It (Vietnamese food) including a free dessert topped with ice cream, fruits and fried bananas :)

Things at work have been insanely busy, and crazy. But I am also happy at heart- with the people around me. On another note, I have also been informed that my paper has been accepted for publication! My attendings couldn't have been happier, and I am so so blessed. I have been waiting for this for so long! ----- Dr Leslie sat next to me one afternoon at work, and told me that Georgetown University's heme/onc chief will be here to give a presentation-and that I should attend. I did that today, and he was so charming, so amusing! He said to me 'I;m sorry, I wished I knew- I would have picked on you more!' I laughed and told him 'I look forward to meeting you next year!' :)

It's been a great great year. To more ahead :) *thank you*

2011-06-24T05:49:00.002+08:00

Last week was a blast! It was a celebratory weekend!

Dinner at Socca with my work friends. Rihanna's concert at United Center. CSO. Chinglish play at Goodman Theatre. Day out by the beach. Dinner by the lake with an amazing view of the city in the nightlights. Mocha and Macaroon date after bumping into Beth near the park. Mexican dinner with Chai Ling at De Cero. Frozen yogurt and a stroll down the riverwalk with Pat :)

Life is wonderful :) despite nursing a viral pesky persistent cough ;)

2011-06-24T01:28:00.008+08:00

It's a dream come true.
I got my first choice to train for heme/onc: at Georgetown University Hospital in Washington DC :)

Couldn't have done it without my family and friends' support. Especially my family who have been there throughout it all- always by my side and with me. I love you all.
Thank you to everyone who have had faith in me including my attendings, and thank you especially to my mentors who have been my inspiration and source of strength and guidance.

I've got a ton of congratulatory messages- it turns out everyone at work knew about it, I don't know how- but I can't help but feel so touched and so so blessed. I'd like to think I'm really lucky, and my ancestors helped bless me :) (heehe!) Dr Leslie wrote to me in a really warm sweet message saying it was all from my own hard work- but I couldn't have done it if not for the people behind me.

It's going to be an exciting journey. Starting out at such a renowned cancer center to be trained, I am raring to learn as much as I can, and be as best as I can be. One more year in CHicago to make my mark, and have fun along the way.

I've met amazing people along my interview trail, who's sparked so much more in me: brilliant people I would have never encountered if not for the interviews, people who have come from so far, are astoundingly bright, accomplished and driven (just like me) who have inspired ambition, humility and integrity in me. I have learnt so much from all these people, who not only taught me about life, about our responsibilities as physicians to our patients but also about myself- and how far we can all go if we truly set our hearts onto our goals and aim high. We are here for one thing in common- to serve. And I can't wait!

It's been such a thrilling whirlwind of a ride. And it will only get better :)
Onto living carpe diem' :)
I still can't believe it- I'm living out my dream- my family was on skype with me, I didn't have the guts to pull up the match results (also my second sister had been the one who had looked up my previous USMLE results (both 99s!) and so I thought we should continue that! ;)) --- and now, this: MY VERY TOP CHOICE.

My heart and soul's on fire. I will continue striving :)
Thank you once again to all who've had faith and belief in me. I'm truly touched and thankful.

Lots of love,
SueSue :)

2011-06-08T16:35:00.004+08:00

Home for a week.

A surprise visit home- it costed me a bomb, but you can't put a price on family, your loved ones.

Mum's birthday fell on June 2- I wrote to her that she was going to get a surprise big big big pretty package a week later. That package was going to be me :)

Dad and my three younger sisters were roped in. Everyone kept it a secret til the end. Some minor glitches along the way including one where right after I paid for my flight ticket online and texted my dad, he told me mum was thinking of coming over to Chicago! I went NOOO! (because I had just paid, and there was going to be no refund *lol*)--- Anyway, baby sister and dad managed to persuade her otherwise :)

She was pleasantly surprised at 7am on Sunday :) She was ecstatic and literally, jumping and clapping in joy *hearts* She squeezed me tight, gave me a big kiss on my cheeks and hugged me.

We all then changed for a very early breakfast together as a family, united :)

Ahhh it's so nice to be home sweet home with family :)

2011-05-30T10:55:00.004+08:00

On another note, I miss home and family. very much.

2011-05-30T10:31:00.005+08:00

What makes me happiest...

*when my patients smile and are comforted/reassured by me

*when I read anything that inspires me
*when I have a good listening companion who's understanding and supportive when I need an ear or shoulder to lean on

*when I can let my hair down, laugh as loud as I want, dance my heart out with all those silly imperfect ballet twists/pirouttes, sing to my heart's content despite my tone-deaf ears-and not give a hoot to what people think. because life is short. and meant to be fulfilled to the very best of your ability regardless of what everyone else thinks
*when I realise how much my loved ones around me love me
*when I am surrounded by my closest friends

*when what I've worked hard for, and put in a lot of effort, pays off and my dream comes true
*when I feel like I can accomplish anything I set my heart to. You know, they say the world is your oyster :)

I have my moments of doubts. fear. uncertainty- and no one is exempt from those feelings.

"The past is like a river flowing out of sight, the future is an ocean filled with opportunity and delight"

I thank god for being blessed with so many people around me who are there for me when I have my down moments.

My mum wrote this to me via email: Life is precious and so fragile. We alone are responsible for our lives. The best gift we can have is to be happy and healthy, the rest are bonuses.

I love my mama for her dose of inspiration every once in awhile to bring me down to earth and remind me of how blessed I am.

"Mother love is the fuel that enables a human being to do the impossible."

2011-05-30T07:17:00.008+08:00

Golden weekend:

Pork ramen and sake at Ginza.
Photoshoot with Cheah at Millenium Park, Chicago's Public Library, around the streets downtown, followed by having a freshly blended strawberry smoothie and a slice of pastry at Lake Towers :)
Off to dinner at Nacional 27, and ice-cream at Ghirardelli's... and a quiet, but cold stroll by the beach.
BBQ birthday/housewarming at Ray's/Su Meng's place- followed by a walk down riverwalk, watching the skateboarders for about half an hour. Then, off to catch the Bulls game, at a hole in the wall called Stokes & Blondes, and running back home in the rain.

Amazing weekend, but oh so exhausting! :)
"To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path, and not worry about the darkness-for that is when the star will shine its brightest"

2011-05-30T07:13:00.002+08:00

2011-05-29T13:04:00.006+08:00

Nostalgic. Sentimental.

Listening to a song baby (SyuSyu) recommended: Rose- The Feeling

Contemplating on what I've accomplished, and where to go from here. I maybe have been a little complacent these past few months after fellowship applications have come to a halt, pending results revelation on June 15, 2011. Told Dr Leslie, I'm keeping my fingers crossed. He has faith in me- I sure hope I don't let anyone down. I pray to God I'll get my top three :)

Pondering on what I want in life, and maybe in a life partner too. Without a doubt, mistakes will be made along the way- but hopefully ones that will help me learn and grow. "Live and learn" they say. Sometimes I wonder if it's good to contemplate so much versus 'going with the flow' and letting yourself go (within boundaries of course)... but I know myself the latter is hard for me to do, because I'm one who thinks carefully and weighs out risks/benefits before pursuing any decisions made. I know for sure, I will stand strong by my values and principles- and not compromise on them. It'll be nice to find another half who complements me perfectly and is able to share my journey with me whilst I work to accomplish my dreams. We'll have fun riding the highs and lows in life whilst helping each other overcome challenges along the way, and enjoying the sweet successes and joys life has to offer.

But for now, we'll see :)

In the meantime, there's going to a surprise for my family back home next weekend. It'll be amazing. I can't wait :)

2011-05-29T12:30:00.003+08:00

Love my interns.
They light up my days at work. And a specially cute old patient that holds a special spot in my heart (he's got the sweetest smile)

2011-05-29T12:29:00.001+08:00

2011-05-27T11:16:00.003+08:00

My 91 year ol male patient asked me this : "Did an angel visit you when you were born?"

'No... why?'

Because you have these- and he pointed to my dimples :)

I smiled, and his daughter sitting behind us, exclaimed in exasperation

'Oh dad, you're such a flirt!' We all laughed. And I told him he was such a charming sweetheart :) Certainly made my morning :)

Then, he said to me 'Those angels better treat you damn well' - awww... :)

2011-05-27T11:14:00.000+08:00

2011-05-27T11:13:00.000+08:00

2011-05-27T11:11:00.000+08:00

2011-05-21T03:39:00.004+08:00

It's my baby sister's birthday today. She's sweet seventeen.

She's my bundle of joy, and I love her to death. She's been an amazingly supportive sister.
Made me see reason when I was unable to see through foggy tears, and blind emotions. Gave me strength when I was literally crumbling in heartache from a breakup. Helped me see what I deserve, and more.

I love you baby. I wish you nothing but the very best for your academic endeavours- you big dream chaser, you ;) and I wish you (far more importantly than success) love, joy, great health and the courage to acknowledge when you do need help, and the understanding that family is everything and more.

I cried in front of her this morning. It was a rough call, but friends made it ok.
What made it so hard was a patient of mine reminded me of my grandfather. The steroid-induced Cushingoid look. The round cherubic face, the skinny stick-like hands and legs- but deep inside: they shared even more similarities:

the smile, the warmth, the love for attention and affection from the people around them; especially their doctors, the love to continue talking so gently yet so passionate and interested

I wanted to cry, watching him.
It reminded me of losing my own grandfather. And how I barely made it til his last breath- flying home as soon as I knew he was critically ill in the ICU half way through my third year of medical school.

He watched me leave home to study. Throughout it all. From Malaysia to Australia. He'd walk and send me off at the airport. Over the years, he became more frail, and when I left for Canada for med school, he'd be sitting in his wheelchair with my sisters behind him, waving back at me.

I miss him.
He was so proud of me- I get so shy and bashful when he tells his friends of my accomplishments.

I don't know why I am so sentimental now, but watching my patient- reminded me of my grandpa.

Only my heart goes out to him, because I know he doesn't have that long to live. He has cancer, and it has spread to all part of his bones. He is 72. Pain control, that's why he came in for.

I cried so much over my webcam to my baby sister- and told her how I only wished I can call his family up, to let them know to cherish as much time they have with him left, to not take him for granted.

Family is everything. What's scary is when your loved one is fading in front of your very eyes, but you don't see it, and you don't appreciate them- and when you realise it's too late, you'll be living in regret wishing you could turn back time.

And so I urge everyone of you to never take your loved ones for granted. Illness can strike unexpectedly, life is so fragile- I've seen it over and over again, striking people I know with the biggest hearts- never take your loved ones for granted.

2011-05-20T06:17:00.002+08:00

Walked into my patient's room- a 72 year old pleasantly demented male patient.
Asked him 'How are you today?'

His answer, extremely cheeky "Now that I've seen you, I feeeeeel fine :)"

I told Christine that. She laughed, and said 'Well, you made his day'.
I exclaimed 'More like he made my day!' - *laughs*

2011-05-19T08:08:00.001+08:00

2011-05-19T07:49:00.002+08:00

I love my attending, love my friends.

I'm blessed and thankful for everything. My mid-rotation eval was brief and uncomplicated. He said 'I have nothing much to say. Yea, you're awesome'. I was brimming with smiles the entire day :)

Dr Guerra looked at me today, and said with faith and conviction: 'I know you'll get it'. He paused, smiled and said it again 'You'll definitely get it'- on my fellowship application.

I'm so grateful to have such supportive, wonderful people around me- who believe in me.
It definitely brought a warm feeling deep within me.

Dr Guerra took us (me and Dan) to STAX today on Taylor's street for breakfast. Banana french toast with dulce de leche (amazing) and I had the banana crepes with chocolate caramel (doubly amazing). I was the only girl on the table, and guess who was the only one who finished her meal? Yeah, you guessed it. I had such a fun time with them this morning. I told Dr Guerra I could get used to this (note: it's extremely rare to have only ONE patient on your list on GMF-medicine)!!

Old Town - flower pot shopping with Pat. Dinner with the Rushies at Bistrot Margot. Dinner with anesthesiology team at El Barco Mariscos. Cheah dropping by with cookies and chocolate mint tea :)

Visiting the temple this Saturday for some personal reflection and spiritual enlightenment :) I can't wait! Su's birthday grill on Sunday. Korean BBQ tonight with the Malaysians :)

Life is good. Thank you for everything. Cherishing every moment.

2011-05-17T09:36:00.001+08:00

Photofun for the likes of it

2011-05-17T09:34:00.001+08:00

Nights out with the RUSH gang :)

2011-05-17T09:27:00.001+08:00

Spring fun in the park.

2011-05-17T09:24:00.001+08:00

La Cantina with the RUSH girls :)

2011-05-16T07:03:00.006+08:00

If there's one thing I struggle with, it's when my emotions get involved with a person.

Growing up, I've managed to avoid ever falling for anyone because I was determined to stay focused on my studies- and not let any form of distractions affect me. I was so driven, I let a lot of boys down. I never really did care for having a boyfriend or a partner for support.

I had my dreams to chase after. The world is after all, beckoning.
I wanted to give my best shot at everything I did, and in pushing myself to be the best I could. be

I never really got a good grasp in handling my emotions . I get overwhelmed and stressed out easily, and I maybe tend to over-think. Ok, maybe that's an understatement.

The last thing I want to do is lead people on when there are no feelings involved, and the absolute thing I don't ever want to do is to hurt anyone. But that said, when you fall for someone and your heart's with someone, you really can't control how you feel. The other person's feelings become yours as you get closer.

If you've hurt him, you feel the pain too.

I know, I still have a lot to learn. And I'm sorry.

If there's that one person who makes you laugh and cry at the same time, you know your heart's with that person. If there's someone who can comfort you and supports you in everything you do, you've got an amazing support pillar- don't let go.

You never know til you've given it a shot.

2011-05-15T11:10:00.004+08:00

Love my medicine team. Both my attending and interns are wonderful.

Highlight of the week:
Finishing clinic early on Tuesday, and enjoying a stroll out in the park on a warm, sunny afternoon with Yvonne, Cheah and Sai Hei. With yummy frozen yoghurt :)
Dr Guerra giving me my mid-rotation evaluation, telling me I was awesome :) and that he was happy with my work, and my handling of the team. I couldn't have been happier.
Sharing a conversation with Jyoti and Tarek about family and money. Jyoti paging me 'Sueyi, love, we have your chocolate chip cookie here on 7S' on my call night :) And we talked about how family comes first before anything. And how money can always be made later in life. *hearts* Family IS everything.
Dinner with the anesthesia people at El Barco Mariscos; Savio, Shari and Nick. Too much Mexican food, and margaritas! Onto supper at Clarke's (chocolate ice cream sundae) with Victor and Savio :)

Felt down this morning, it was a sweet coincidence that Cheah was in the neighborhood. It must have been the gloominess and the cold rain. I cancelled all plans, because I wanted to keep tonight low-key and relaxed. Time for myself. But I think that wasn't too good an idea for me. Thank goodness, Cheah was around- he popped in with a surprise large chocolate mint tea from Argo Tea for me and a plateful of yummy delectable cookies :) It brought a smile to my face. Played with his camera, had Johnny Rocket's burger for dinner, and facebook-stalked his friends' wedding pictures that were breathtakingly romantic and beautiful.

Cheah said this to me:
"You know you should really publish your writings. I forwarded your article to [my boss] and he liked it. I really like reading what you write."
then he added again 'Yeah, you really should compile all your writings and... I'll be the first one to buy your book'. We started talking about this because I told him I haven't emailed my friends a story for so long- I used to regularly write them about once a month- on a patient that affected me, or a work experience I had that taught me a profound lesson that I hope to share with my friends, that they can learn from...

I laughed at that. It was really sweet. I know, dad has always told me to do the same. Keep on writing on my experiences, and one day, publish it for the future young doctors to read. "Of course, I'll give my book to you for free" I exclaimed!

I used to write so much, on experiences that have profoundly affected me- patients who've taught me life-learning lessons, on strength and courage, and on holding on strong, and from their families who've showed me the true meaning of love.

I've been on hiatus for far too long since interviews ended.
It's time to pick this back up again. and get my pen working :)

I profess the words I use aren't that bombastic, or extremely sophisticated in style- but I think why it gets to people is because I write from my heart- and my emotions are strong.

I thank god for friends who remind me of my passion pursuits that make me whole.

Actually, I just thank god - for everything and everyone in my life. Period. Don't take your loved ones for granted.

A friend just left the country because her father is ill. My thoughts and prayers are with her and her family. Life really is fragile- you only have one life to show those you care that they mean the world to you. SO do it.

2011-05-15T11:08:00.000+08:00

2011-04-25T12:29:00.003+08:00

It's been a whirlwind of a ride.
The interview trail has come to an end. And I'm torn between my choices.

I have liked most of my programs, how am I going to rank them?
Indiana--> Washington DC--> Chicago--> Ohio--> Miami

*sigh* I'm going to really need to think this out. I pray for some guidance. Whatever it is, I know fate will have a lot to do with this, and I'll be prepared for June 15 to come. That's when I'll know where Ill end up for the next 3 years for oncology.

I have yet to do my thank you emails. It's customary though, so I need to get down to it!
Pronto!

On another good note, picked up running yesterday. Got new workout outfits/ Ran all the way to the fountain in Grant Park, it was an amazing day to get out yesterday- sun was out, wind wasn't too crazy, it was just perfect.

And I bought another great book- by Katie Couric "The best advice I ever got- Lessons from extraordinary lives". Inspiring. It's about needing to have some moxie in us, having tenacity and perseverance, being passionate and having big dreams, on doing what's right, on being committed to whatever we put our hearts and souls into, and on seeking opportunities and making ourselves happy in the end.

I am blessed. I wouldn't change what I have in the world right now.

Carpe diem, I always say
Love xo

2011-04-12T11:09:00.005+08:00

I said this "Follow your dreams". And she smiled and nodded in agreement. (Dr Gregory).

She told me to keep on dancing (and joked, it'll help maintain my body) and we both laugh in unison! And I had told her about my homesick episode on New Year's Eve, and she totally could relate. Cos there was that one night, where she said she was on call and she teared, cos it was a festive night too. So she's been there, done that- and could understand. She's come so far, it's so amazing.

Dr Venu said this to me "You have these two. Perseverance and Tenacity. With that, you can go anywhere". I liked that. I really do. I couldn't have been more humbled and am more motivated now :) We joked, about how I was pushing for my paper to be published. He laughed cos I told a certain someone about my submission to a certain journal (keeping fingers crossed). Truly one of my favorite mentors in my journey. He also told me- the biggest compliment a doctor can have is when a patient acknowledges our care and gives gratitude, and with my patient who wrote me that thank you card 'Thank you for being you', he said that's a sign of a good doctor. That's what he's looking for. "It shows you have what it takes to care for patients"... and I smiled deep inside.

Dr Rich "I have so much admiration for you, Sueyi". Honestly, that's one of the biggest compliment and honor someone can pay me. I am so grateful, so humbled. Honestly. My heart was beating with joy and pride. Thank you. I told her once I get my match result, I'd like for my parents to meet with my letter writers, for they've been instrumental in helping me come this far.

Dr Batus "You are so passionate in what you do, Dr Batus". I think she saw a little of her in me. That fiery passion and determination to be the best doctor we can be for our patients. She said "I do what I do, because if I was sick, that's the kind of doctor I'd like to have". We talked about the number of kids the public agrees to have a harmonious family (lol), leaving home (Poland) and missing FOOD/Family and how people back at home think we're rich/super successful/super free (which are all misconceptions) *laughs*

Dr Cobleigh- about my journey leaving home and travelling from country to country, just like her son who left home to start his own business in a foreign country that speaks a foreign language. And about enjoying the best kind of foods- which are found by the street sides :)! And ice-skating (her favorite sport) and me doing ice skating during my year off!

Dr Shammo - about us leaving our home country and wanting to go back home and establishing an ambitiously goal-driven project back in our country, then she joked 'What if you get married, Sueyi?' I laughed and clasped my hands close to my mouth- 'I'm not there yet Dr Shammo!' and we both laugh. I told her I'm passionate and very driven.

I left today, feeling on top of the world.

All these people, amazing individuals in their own way, outstanding and unique. I can learn so much from each of them, all inspiring.

Especially the ones who have been in my position, who left home to chase big dreams- who are now big names in their own fields. I aspire to be one. Some day, soon :)

I said to Dr Rich, "Ill work to be the best I can be"

2 more interviews. It's been quite the journey. I hope my stars are shining bright.
Please stay with me, and guide me. Sueyi

2011-04-09T00:08:00.002+08:00

I love feeling inspired. Being philosophical once in awhile. Reading up books that fuel my passions, ignite that fire inside me- to dream and aspire.

Just bought a book called ' Dance first, think later'.

I love this quote in it from Roald Dahl:

"A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth, and a double-chin and stick out teeth, but if you have good thoughts, they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely."

2011-04-08T21:46:00.001+08:00

2011-03-25T09:02:00.003+08:00

You live better when you live to serve others.

That's why my job makes me smile and makes me feel this deep contentment...

I love what I do. I really really do.

On a great note: Washington DC--> Ohio--> Miami! :) :) :)

2011-03-25T05:05:00.008+08:00

Cancer. 3 months of mild back discomfort. 1 month of progressively increasing pain, and poor appetite. Never really paid much attention, but then the clothes start falling off, and you realise you've lost close to 20 pounds in the past 2-3 months. Then the pain becomes unbearable. All along, you had a nagging feeling something was not right, but you downplayed them. Initially the symptoms were mild, then one day, the pain takes a toll and forces you into the ER. Pacing frantically in the room, sweating, crouching down onto the floor into the fetal-like position, hurled over in overwhelming agony, your doctor fears the worst. The pain medications escalate and soon you're on super- strong pain medications, and the pain doctors had to be consulted. A CT scan shows enlarged lymph nodes in your abdominal region, and your doctor's fears were confirmed. Soon, the pain medications that start running through your veins bring comfort, and you start feeling calm. You see the concern from your doctors' faces- and start to see that they do care. earnestly and genuinely. He shook my hands earlier today when I went to see him after getting the discharge papers ready. I said 'Take care, Mr...' A smile formed on his face, 'Thank you Dr.' I smiled back, 'It's my job.' I love what I do. And I love seeing them do so much better. Carpe diem.

2011-03-23T06:39:00.004+08:00

You know what they say about love. Ian's wise words 'better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved'. He says 'it's worth it, Sueyi'.

I saw this old man, with mouth cancer after he had parts of his neck and mouth removed as part of his salvage therapy, who comes in with a leaking tube in his neck (what we call a tracheostoma that helps him with breathing), and a feeding tube in his stomach to keep him nourished.

Weak, and awake. Cognizant of his world and surroundings. Loved by his two children, who do not live with him but drop by to see him after work on a daily basis. He lives alone.

Comes in with a leaking trach, and generalised weakness. As part of our history, we always ask if our patients have had falls. He denied it vehemently. We didn't think anything of it. His kids said no, but did report bruising on the right side of his face. Suspicions for a fall only came through when they casually brought up about furniture that they had noticed that had cracked off/or peeled off.

We ordered a CT of the head, to check for any bleeds. At this point, the suspicion was still really low, because he was perfectly oriented, alert and capable of making decisions.

We got paged, there was blood in his brain. NeuroSurgery was called stat.

It makes you think how hard he was really trying to hide the fall from his children, not wanting them to worry. Or wanting to let go in the least guilt-stricken way.

By not letting them know. So he won't trouble his kids anymore, or burden them with worries, stress, the work of taking care of a sick, weak, already dying man anyway.

When you love, you really love, and will do anything to protect and not burden your family. My heart went out to this old man. Pains me to think now he'll feel worse cos he made it through?

If they only realise that we want to be there for them, and care for them. To love them the way they love us... The way they have for us all our living years.

Family is forever. and it's only family if its made up of true love and sees the test of time and grit together.

2011-03-13T01:37:00.000+08:00

2011-03-13T01:36:00.000+08:00

2011-03-09T12:10:00.003+08:00

Interview at Stroger. Met a fun interviewee candidate who offered to drive me to the bus station to catch my bus to Indiana. Shared great chemistry, and he was great company throughout the interview day! Amazing warm-hearted PD who brought us all to eat at UIC's food court and get to know each other more.

Bus to Indiana. Met a woman who works as a lab researcher in Rheum at RUSH (surprise, what a small world!) - she was on her way to meet her husband back in Indy. (She gave him such a loving peck when he arrived to pick her up). In the bus, made a new friend- who's passionate about pursuing policy/finance. Randomly, he turned around, and we just started talking. On the phone for 2 hours continuously. Vickie came to pick me up. Mediterranean dinner with belly dancing, got a clapping ovation by our neighborly table for dancing along. Interview at IU was amazing, hospital was impressive. People there are so warm, so friendly, so hospitable. Loved the fellows, one attending and I particularly clicked really well. I think he saw a bit of himself in me. We talked about existensialism and the metaphysics of life. Our conversation was philosophical and thought-provoking in the very least. I couldn't have been more fascinated and inspired. Greg printed out accomodation apartments for me :) and the fellows and I shared a joke about my driving skills right before I left, and they told me they'd really like me to be there. My heart was jumping with joy and I felt like I belonged. Vickie came to pick me up, we went to have hot chocolate and gelato :) Dinner at Jazz Kitchen with a live jazz band performing, together with new friends: Thomas and Carmen. Off to have tong yuen at Carmen's place before driving back home in the rain. Saturday morning, took silly pictures in Vic's amazing apartment- and had brunch :) We were probably the most well-dressed there! (lol) Then off to shop, and back to Chicago!

Thank you Vic for being such an amazing host!

2011-03-02T12:06:00.003+08:00

We are all weird. Life is weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, it's called love.

I love that saying.

And I'm also in love with this song by CHris Medina entitled What are Words

"Anywhere you are, I am near. Anywhere you go, I'll be there.

Anytime you whisper, you'll see how every single promise I keep...

cuz what kind of guy would I be if I was to leave when you need me most"

I am a hopeless, sappy romantic- and yes, this song tugs at my heart- and makes me want to fall in love...and what's wrong with feeling that, and feeling all warm and tingly inside :) So check this song out! :)

Carpe diem