and when she speaks
Friday, May 30, 2008
I don't want to let you go. At least til you see me and remember me.But I know you're no more you at most times.You are ready to go. And have been ready since long ago...Whilst waiting, you've been fraught with chronic pain, lack of mobility which made you feel useless.We tried our hardest to make you realise we have never ever felt you were a burden to us.The sisters and I would create so much noisy music right outside your room and drag you out, so you could share in our laughter and joy. And feel involved. We'd keep you company whilst you share with us your experiences fighting the war against the Japanese, eating dog meat scrumptiously, talking about politics and your poverty-stricken days growing up...We didn't want you isolating yourself.You feel like an invalid most of the time.And at some nights, we hear horrifying screams from you from your older days of fighting in the war and pulling the triger of the guns to kill- for the sake of protecting your own people.
You feel lower than a human being at times too, when urinary incontinence stripped you off your dignity. And when I was back home, there have been so many times I wanted to help clean you up, but you would never have let. And so I gave in, because I knew how important that was to you in preserving your sense of pride and worth. For you, it was in making sure your grandchildren never see you naked.I cried because I don't want you to forget you have another grandchild over here in Canada.I wish I spent more time with you in that very short holiday I had back home.I wish I wrote to you in Chinese telling how much I love you.I wish you could hear me on the phone when I speak to you.For now, I wish, should your time come, it will be as peaceful and serene as it can be, knowing that you have a special place deep in all our hearts.You have lived a blessed life, gong. I know we took good care of you... I love you very, very much- gong gong.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
You used to call me your dreamer And now I'm living out my dream Oh how I wish you could see Everything that's happening for me I'm thinking back on the past It's true that time is flying by too fast
I miss you, I miss your smile And I still shed a tear every once and a while And even though it's different now You're still here somehow My heart won't let you go, and I need you to know I miss you
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
My staff doctor actually dances in the OR to MC Hammer.How awesome is that?
I was on call Friday & Sunday.
Now I am on call tomorrow - again- on Tuesday.
Now I really miss my mum's herbal soup with red dates, gingko biloba and longan.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
I am loving cardiac surgery at the moment despite sometimes hating it when I have to brave through 20 minutes of walking at 5-ish am through pouring wet rain. I have got wonderful hot residents :) and a staff doctor who listens to MC Hammer in the OR. How fun can it be?
I was so excited to feel a live beating heart in the OR. I told them beforehand, I wanna touch the heart once it starts beating. When it finally did, he was like 'Go SUE! TOUCH it. TOUCH IT!' SO I did. And then again, like 10 minutes later, when I saw the opportunity to feel it again, I stuck my hand in happily like a little jolly girl in a candy store, and they both said to me 'TOUCHINg it again? ARE YOU sure YOU are a MED student?'
Come on. A real beating heart. Isn't it cool?
My resident bought me pizza. And told every ICU nurse I stole his pizza. He finished three slices and his eyes were still peeled at my pizza when I was eating. How can you enjoy your food like that? So I joked and said, STOP staring at my pizza :) And then kind-heartedly offered to slice my pizza into half... which he of course rejected ;)
Dr Vair (my staff doctor on Gen. Surg) who bumped into me in the OR the other day exclaimed 'Sue, where is my cake?' ... To be honest, if I didn't work with him during Gen Surg, I don't think I would have learned a lot at all. He gave me the opportunity to be pretty hands-on and on my evaluation day, said to me candidly
'You are very smart, your clinical knowledge is definitely very strong. You answered almost every question I have thrown at you. To be honest, I was afraid your technical skills wouldn't be as good (WHAT WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? BOOK SMART CANNOT BE SKILLFUL TOO??? ;p)...BUT you picked up all the skills I taught you very fast. I was very impressed'*Phew* I know I sound like I am blowing my own horn here, but a statement like that made my day ;)
Back to being on call tomorrow on a lovely Sunday...