Never take life or your loved ones for granted.
So surreal. Losing one of the friendliest, happy-go-lucky nurses this morning. Walked in right through the elevator, complained of dizziness. Sat him down, then he had a seizure, his hands jerked and became stiff, and he became unresponsive. Next thing I know, nurses were coming into the room he was carried into- and many started screaming, with tears rolling down 'NO Noo'...
The code went on forever. They didn't want to call it off, they tried everything, tried everything multiple times. He didn't pull through...
Everybody was crowded outside that room. Watching, waiting to see if the pulse would return, if he'd come back to life. He never did. Hysteria broke, everyone broke down...
It feels surreal. So strange. So unexpected. When I left, there were people still crying along the hallway. My colleague who lead the code did an amazing job, she couldnt have done it any better.
I guess it wasn't meant to be...
I hate how awful it feels. And how later on, when it sinks in, it'll feel way worse. Just like last year, when we lost someone from our cohort.
I should write this as a mental reminder to myself the next time I feel too homesick
I shared this conversation with Ron, my intern when we were on call on Jan 1 2011, and I told him how the night before, I was homesick- and missed celebrating joyous occassions with the family... and questioned about my choice for personal ambition whilst being so far away from home, whether it was worth it or not... this, after being away for so many years. (You know, they say the older you get, the more you want to be closer to your family)
And Ron replied with this: 'Sueyi, you're so young. It's a small sacrifice now for where you'll be later on'. And he was right. Because I cannot envision myself choosing a less driven pathway. I had wanted a place where I could be my best and have my potential tapped- and here's where it was going to happen.
That said though, nothing beats going home to see the loved ones :)
Survived MICU. The Intensive Care Unit. Did the same rotation last year- and I had to cover all three big days: Christmas, my Birthday and ushering the New Year *bah*
Surprisingly, although I had some intense, nerve-wrecking, tahycardic-inducing moments when I was on call and "ruling" the unit, I had great times. I learnt so much, and I can honestly say I'm way more competent at dealing with crashing patients, patients actively dying, the terminally ill who are unstable. It's been a whole month of only hanging out with the ICU co-residents (I had an amazing group: my intern was super fun (and a big plus was he's a HUGE foodie too, so we'd drive to eat everytime post-call :) and the other co-senior residents who were super supportive of each other). We'd help each other out on days we get slammed, or overwhelmed and never once complained if we stayed til much later. I stuck lines into people's necks (I hate sticking sharp stuff/or sewing stuff into their skin) for antibiotics/pressors/fluids administration-and I know now I can do it on my own (although if I had a choice, Id rather not ;))
MICU was a rotation where you really learn how to handle crashing patients, and have to decide on the spot how best to manage a coding/unstable patient. My first few calls, when patients were unstable, Id be so nervous to make a decision and wasn't sure myself. Then, I learnt things quickly- because it becomes your bread and butter- and I became so much more confident/assured of my calls. Giving orders became effectively more assertive. It's a proud moment (haha) -but truthfully, you really learn!
Now, onto night shifts 7pm to 7am. *sucks big time*. But I'm counting down to home sweet home.
Everyone's ready for the ruckus to hit home :) and I can hardly wait :) Love xo