and when she speaks
Friday, July 23, 2010
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8:09 AM;;
Standing on my own two feet.I try and count my blessings when I'm feeling down. I guess I'm still healing. I'm my own person. With a job that I'm in love with. With my family whose love and support is unconditional. With amazing friends from work and outside of work who form my biggest support network here. What more can I ask for?
On another note: I'm smiling because:-
I have a stunning new dress I can't wait to wear! I'm saving it for a special occassion.Fresh red strawberries that made my evening :) My youngest patient getting better everyday; who gives me a big smile now every morning :) My attending so dedicated in teaching and passing on his wisdom :) I love learning new things and love having passionate people in my teamMy current favorite song on repeat :) "I stand" by Idina Menzel.Tomorrow night's potluck dinner at my senior's place- with closest friends from work. I'll be whipping up egg and sausage noodles :) And there will be a theme of vibrant, one solid color top :) You can guess whose idea that was ;p so that all my pictures will turn out bright and colorful :) A friend at work who paged me "Is that good-looking Chinese guy I see a resident :P :)?" and then she happily went on her detective hunt trail *laughs* My mischievous friends!Awaiting for my SNAPFISH pictures to arrive in my mailbox :) Saturday night's Indian dinner with my girlfriends :) Sunday will be a stay at home day after working tomorrow... :)
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7:53 AM;;
Thursday, July 22, 2010
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7:15 AM;;
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
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9:21 PM;;
My 20 year old patient who has been in the surgical intensive care unit has been there since the first day I started my rotation- she's been in the hospital laying in that room; for more than 3 weeks.Only 20 years old; yet she has succumbed to a lot. 2 failed liver transplants and now lymphoma seeds her entire liver. Her course had been complicated by so many other organ disorders:-kidney dysfunction; persistent fevers; GI bleed; seizures...Yesterday when I saw her, my colleague told me she was bleeding from every orifice. I didn't think it was that bad until I saw her. Her tracheostomy site (a hole in the neck that connects to the ventilator) was oozing and her entire neck and the bedsheets under her were soaked in blood. And the day before, she was found to be bleeding from her old IV site, her stools had blood and her right biliary drain was also draining blood. When I saw her in the puddle of blood around her neck yesterday, she looked beaten and drained. And she didn't look me in the eye. I couldn't imagine how she felt; lying there unable to do anything; but having your neck ooze out like that... I don't blame her if she didn't feel like responding...Today, I went in to see her. Reading her lips, she said 'I am sick of being here' with the most dejected, hopeless look. I held her fingers. She's younger than me by two years, and here she was whittling every day lying still confined to that bed; confined to the ventilator, having multiple doctors come in and out to see you; yet feeling so little has progressed...I said to her 'You've been through so much. Since the day I started til today, I can see for myself that you've improved so so much. Your body is doing so much better. I want you to keep going, ok?'
She didn't say anything...
'Once you've progressed to a good level; we can transfer you up and get you moving and work towards getting out of here...'She looked down, unbelieving.Then, I squeezed her hand once more and I said 'It takes time; but you're getting there''And you're so pretty, I don't want to see a sad face, ok?' I gave her a little wink. She looked at me and her lips curved into a little smile. She squeezed my fingers back in response.I said 'That's good. I like to see you smile... :) So stay strong; and keep at it; ok?'Having that hole in her throat and having only silent words come out is frustrating in the very least. But I felt as if half our conversation were just based on what came out through her eyes and a shared understanding of knowing that hope and comfort was what she needed most.
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9:30 AM;;
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
"I Stand" 'Cause I stand for the power to change, I live for the perfect day. I love till it hurts like crazy, I hope for a hero to save me. I stand for the strange and lonely, I believe there's a better place. I don't know if the sky is heaven, But I pray anyway. And I don't know What tomorrow brings The road less traveled Will it set us free? Cause we are taking it slow, These tiny legacies.
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1:12 PM;;
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10:47 AM;;
On another note; I love heme/onc!It's where I am meant to be! :) :) :)
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10:46 AM;;
A close friend wrote this to me "I'm glad you're doing ok and that you look happy and pretty" Aww...I wrote "I'm glad I have amazing friends like you guys all around me :)" The other day, I had an amazing time in clinic. I love some clinic sessions- and this was one where I knew I'd be enlightened and true enough; that short few hours spent with patients was an extremely humbling experience for me.
I had a patient who was so young; and he came with his wife who was so lively. So joyful. You could tell in the relationship, she was the talkative, boisterous one with lots of energy.He, on the other hand, looked emaciated and extremely skinny and remained quiet for most of the time except when directly questioned. His story was one so sad, yet his commitment to beat all the challenges thrown at him was remarkable. He has a blood disorder whereby his blood counts are abnormal and he had been following up regularly to have his counts in check. Then, he was diagnosed with oral cancer. The incredibly painful procedure he had to undergo to kill the cancer cells on his tongue was something he did and even more impressive; was that he held on to so many sessions. His doctor claimed he has done more than most people would be able to tolerate. Then, came another type of cancer; skin cancer where it was eating both his ears. His right ear, in particular was rotting away. The entire ear lobe was almost gone; eroding painfully-that he needed a pain patch. The next plan was for the surgeon to remove that ear. Unbelievably; he had so many things to deal with on his plate.... yet he remained strong. I take my hat out and salute his show of courage and tremendous fighting spirit.
I am constantly reminded of why I am in medicine. And I couldn't be more fortunate to realise how lucky I am.
I am extremely grateful; and to be able to be at a position where I can do something is an honor...
Love always.
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10:28 AM;;
Monday, July 19, 2010
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6:15 AM;;
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Picnic. My baos - from Wow Baoz, with my favourite being the edamame bao :) Chicken wings. Blue cheese dip. Veggie Chips with 0% saturated fat :p Music playing. Picnic blanket. Pictures. Chit-chatter. Red and white wine. Back to my place for Oreo ice cream. Sitting out on the balcony looking out into the night sky. Surrounded by friends. Fulfilling.Not so funny- is the joke they make about impersonating me! ARGH. Am I that animated?"Don't forget the WHACK!" the "physical abuse".... 'Oh boy!' 'Oh brother!'... -.-' Woke up this morning. Thank god for friends who drag you out and occupy your thoughts with good things. Free time is probably the worst friend right now. Walked 10 blocks to dear Christine's crib; worked out at her gym. Almost died exercising LoL. My deadbeat stamina... Lunch together at home, with mummy's ZHONG :) Off to get my sexy black pumps :) Sandwich with peanut butter and jam. Char Siew bao from home :) Off to The WIT but there was a queue :( So off to another rooftop further down... on Rock Bottom! Pictures and beer. New people. Off to Buca di Bepo for tiramisu :) and spicy chicken rigatonni! :) Call it a night. Before tomorrow's dim sum session :)
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3:08 PM;;
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3:02 PM;;
My baby and I fooling, back at home.
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3:00 PM;;
My baby and I fooling, back at home.
