and when she speaks
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
In my previous post, I said I was homesick and nostalgic last night.
I actually cried- I haven't cried out of homesickness in a long time -and I usually don't (unless I'm extremely stressed out with work and am severely overworked/sleep-deprived/exhausted) but last night, maybe the emotions were a little overwhelming.
I dug through my old file with my collection of mementos, and read through the handwritten messages over the past few years :)
From my cousin brother when he found out I scored my first 99 in USMLE 1 (US medical licensing exam) back in 2007- "I believe you are special and have a gift that can help a lot a lot a lot of people- not just curing a patient, but more the like of finding a cure to terrible diseases or increasing human lifespan...where your life can impact all of mankind in a good way. I sincerely believe you can, and I hope YOU believe you can. Many people have gifts, but they don't always have the wisdom and good heart to make the world a better place. I think you have those, and I know you will be fulfilled to do so."
"Dear Sueyi, you do us proud like many of our IMU students who fly our flag overseas. Keep up the good work!"
"Sueyi, I think your quest for both professional and personal integrity and ambition is something I love most about you. You are a gift to your patients and your program."
"Your passion in work and life is extraordinary. Keep up your aspirations and dreams. I believe in you :)".
I remember all this started the night I couldn't sleep, before I was about to leave home for Australia at the age of 14. I came downstairs, I think my heart was palpitating, the nerves had finally hit and it dawned upon me the fact that I was going to leave home for my studies overseas for the first time. And I wasn't sure if I could do it on my own, so far away from my family, if I was strong enough... Daddy sensed something wasn't right, and for some reason, he couldn't sleep too- and found me downstairs. He sat with me that night, and comforted me. He told me to believe in myself, and that he knows I can do anything I set my heart to. He also told me to aim high and be the best I can be. So cliche, but I am like him in so many ways.
"Throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Go forward and make your dreams come true."
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9:23 AM;;
I love my friends at work. Catching up over lunch. High-fiving in the hallway. Getting a warm hug at the cafeteria. 
Being dropped off after work at home, saving me a train ride :) whilst laughing in the car, cracking jokes, making fun of each other and sharing stories at work! Friends- they truly brighten my day."If you don't have a smile, I'll give you one of mine".
On a good note, I love taking a peek into my patient's rooms and checking up on how they're doing. Being in the ICU during the holiday season I'm sure is not how they planned on spending this festive season- so it's only nice if I go say HI and make 'em smile :) Yesterday for some reason- I was homesick. I miss home, I miss family, I missed speaking in my Malaysian accent, missed the silly jokes that only fellow Malaysians will understand... but this morning, going to work and fooling around with my colleagues made me feel right back at home. Honestly, it's nothing like being at work surrounded by my favorite people to make me feel less homesick :)
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8:36 AM;;
Sunday, December 26, 2010
ON call on Christmas eve in ICU :)
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10:52 AM;;
Yesterday's call was fun. Too much food. and celebrating in the ICU. Lots of visitors from the medicine floors came down, and brought even more goodies. You name it, I had every possible dessert last night: blueberry crumble, red velvet cupcakes, chocolate cake, tres leche cake, christmas cookies and lots of the nurses brought a variety of exotic yummies :) My intern and I were pigging out with the rest of the unit nurses and docs! The camaraderie in the entire hospital is what I love most about my job. The people I'm surrounded by. The support we have for each other, the social rounds we do when we pop over into our colleague's wards and say HI- although its located at the other end of the hospital. I love it when my friends drop by (cos for us, we're not allowed to leave the ICU when we're on call)! Onto a more serious note, it's the season for giving. And thats exactly what a dearest big brother said to me when he found out we're on call on Christmas eve. Serving people the best way we can, is the true meaning of Christmas. There is a patient in the unit, who is only in his 40s, who recently had chemotherapy, and became severely neutropenic and his course was complicated by sepsis. When he arrived a few days ago, we thought he would not make it, and code status discussion was urgently initiated- but the family was not and has not been ready to make the decision to let go on more aggressive measures. His girlfriend especially has not been able to come to terms with the gravity of it all, not ready to let go. And no one can imagine how that feels unless you've been in her position. I saw her walking down the hallway, crying with tissues in her hands last night, on Christmas eve- what is supposed to be a nice night in with the family/friends for a lovely christmas dinner- but instead, a night wrecked with anxiety in the hospital whilst they camp in the visitors lounge outside with thin blankets, wondering if he'll make it through the night. It's a daily struggle to stay alive for him. But what was amazing, was we managed to wean him off all three pressors, and he sustained his blood pressure just fine last night. In the words his nurse put, it was almost 'miraculous'. Maybe the red man had something to do with this. Only he knows. But hopefully, he'll make a turn for the better.I tried thinking of her; his girlfriend. How acutely this all happened. I'm sure the time his diagnosis of malignancy was made til this event- everything must have just seemed like it had happened in a flash of time, a whirlwind right before her very eyes. When your loved one is no more the functional, decisional person you know- just lying there in that bed, immobilised, with tubes and lines all over, and you're losing him every moment, life becomes a blur. I cannot imagine how she was feeling, and I was scared to imagine being in her shoes. How I would have coped with it. If something were to happen, god, I cannot even envision- losing someone you love so much, someone you had hoped to spend the rest of your life with, or someone you were just doing normal ordinary things with a few months ago like watching a nice movie together on a Friday night in, now fighting to make each day...
And knowing that if this battle were lost, it would be permanent. I stopped myself. I know why I'm in this line. I also know the human spirit can show so much courage and strength when its called for. And this I have had countless patients and families show me, and inspire me. It's funny how I believe the relationship we doctors have with our patients- its a symbiotic one. We do our best to help them, but their positive attitude, their resilience and coping mechanisms never fail to remind me just how strong people can be. The things some of my patients have been through, and their outlook on life and the way they face adversity, makes me realise how life really is a gift, and that we hold the key to making everyday count and living each day to its fullest... that those small things you had been fretting about just isn't even worth it, when you think about what really matters most. You start reassessing your life's priorities and know what means most to you. And for me, that is my family and my closest friends who have been there for me, through thick and thin, and the dreams that I have of being a better person. If you don't have people to share your life's joys or the money you make, then there is no point. I know how thankful I am to have them by my side no matter what, and this Christmas, I just want to say a big heartfelt thank you for being there for me. Especially to the Chicago friends who have stayed supportive during my downs and who have been there to celebrate my happiest moments. Thank you from the core of me.Love always
Sueyi
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9:59 AM;;
My 23rd birthday -surrounded by my closest friends!
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9:50 AM;;
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9:44 AM;;
Being dropped off after work at home, saving me a train ride :) whilst laughing in the car, cracking jokes, making fun of each other and sharing stories at work! 
