and when she speaks
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
About a patient with stage 4 lung cancer with likely secondaries to his mediastinum who deteriorated last week; I was just told of his profound family history.His younger brother has cancer. His elder sister also has cancer and is now undergoing radiotherapy.And his other sister; ended her life by hanging to escape from the horrific cancer pain.The word cancer never fails to evoke a sense of overwhelming fear and dread to anyone who hears of it. Its known association with severe agonising brutal pain doesn't do much to help lessen the fear either when it comes to dealing with patients who DO have cancer.It is because of the memories of his sister who suffered horrifyingly many years ago with little help available to alleviate her pain which initially provoked the thought of committing suicide in him when he was first diagnosed with cancer.But so much has been done in the past few years; so much is known now with better pain control management and newer medications. Patients needn't suffer as much.There are many options available. And most importantly, they shouldn't lose hope; and think all is lost- because it isn't.We cannot cure cancer, no doubt, but we can give you COMFORT and a better quality of life. That is the endeavour of palliative care.I now only hope that the government can do more to help us by educating the public on making use of palliative care specialists and hospice care for those who need it. People don't access this wonderful resource simply because people don't know about it; even our Malaysian health care professionals don't refer terminally ill patients to us until the very day or two before the patient is dead. What's the use in that? More funds need to be pumped into educating the public on the availability of palliative care and into educating our own health professionals themselves in how best to utilise the palliative care service for the benefit of suffering patients.On the same note, sadly, after talking to many people in this field, I have found that the government doesn't feel as strongly in this matter; and doesn't seem to take the efforts and the objectives of palliative care as a priority in their health care policies.Which is an embarassment & a shame to the country and a failing, disappointing letdown to the people who need it most.
her
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11:17 PM;;
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
I'm having a blast with my team at the hospice I'm working at right now.The team is comprised of Dr Vanitha and two nurses Nurse Ong and Nurse Cheah; and of course, with the newest temporary addition - ME, whom they now introduce to the patients as 'our medical student who is already a doctor lah...!' :p Cheeky Dr Vanitha laughed and teased me yesterday 'Happy LAH U, now people call you Dr' ;)Yes, I cannot lie; it does bring a sense of beaming pride :) *hehe*I'm super comfortable with them; and they now tease me relentlessly -.-' NOT GOOD *hahaha*I LOVE them. They're a crazy noisy bunch who know how to have a good time.So far, the travelling to do home visits to visit terminally ill patients is the only thing I find very tiring. Today, with our visit to Rawang, I basically konked out at the backseat; and only got up the moment we arrived at our destination. *laughs* sleepy lah with all the things I have to do every night sorting out my chicago medical license application!I get treated every day for lunch too *sooo nice lah* Initially, I felt uncomfortable (not-so-nice) cos they insisted on paying for my lunch everyday; but then, they said 'since I'm still a student, I shouldn't be forking out til I start earning my own money' How nice is that? =) The other time I declined their offer to pay for my lunch- unsuccessfully; they replied 'Next time when you are working, you can come belanja us' :)And to that, I laughed and said YES I will.. I have now given up trying to pay for my lunches ;) Our trips revolve around eating vegetarian most of the time (I have no complaints; since I can do with some healthy/low-cal foods :) ) ie chapatis; vegetarian restaurants; PAKCHU with assam powder (yummy!); the mischievous team keeping their eyes peeled for hanging durians and rambutans (aiyor!) hahahaha. Yesterday we stopped by a cendol stall for some ice-cold cendol to beat the sweltering heat :) Mmmm :)Oh. Dr Vanitha was so naughty, I told her I had never seen jambus hanging down from a tree before til one of our patients' family's house visit where they had a huge jambu tree. They plucked out two jambus for us and mine is happily sitting in my fridge for it to ripen :) So, anyway, my team said 'THIS IS WHAT happens when U grow up in the CITY' and then, sarcastically pointed out to monkeys on the roadside for me to see! HAIYOR* terrible lah!Oh my! Another thing is- the obscene amount of fluid I drink when visiting people's houses. You know how it is, with each visit, they give the guests water/milo/green tea/honey lemon tea/Vitagen/chocolate cookies even/sweet tea...... My bladder is always bursting when we head back to our hospice! =)BAck to my researching for my presentation.Tomorrow I have to be there on time they said, or else they'd leave without me to Selayang hospital for the grand rounds! ;P
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11:14 PM;;
Kathryn- NOW I know you sometimes read this :pYou are indeed one of my closest friends and one with a gem of a heart too :)On Friday we went to One Utama's 'CRAVINGS' for a late lunch. Boy!I have never seen anyone clean up pork lard as quickly as she does ;) hahahaAnd then we met up on Saturday again with her helping to fix my sister's laptop - thank god for her who is an IT whiz; or maybe it's just us four monkeys who's obscenely ignorant in laptop/computers' stuff ;)Then, off we went to the Hp fair in 3 Two square. And dim sum which was now my turn to treat :p She wanted to pick everything at the top of the menu cos' they were the priciest. *sweats*hahaha thank god, she wasn't as MEAn as that. We slurped up all our favourite dim sum goodies. And headed off to the Digital mall just across the road for some high-tech IT gadget shopping LOL if you count external hardisk and thumb drives as that :p And then, off we went to clothes shopping at boutiques in Damansara Perdana :)T'was a fun day.
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11:12 AM;;
You know what I've realised for quite some time now?I am the most emotional amongst my sisters & I... Somehow, it seems as if it takes the least for me, than them, for my heart strings to be tugged at and cause an outpouring (over-exaggeration) of tears.Sometimes, it's not good, especially when it comes to funerals ( I know my religious teachers in the hospice will say CHOI CHOI!) ; sad movies ; and especially so when I face patients whom I see are suffering in front of my very own eyes or patients who are living in very dire, hopeless, sad circumstances.But, in a positive way, I think that's why I'm more compassionate than the average human being.I feel more easily from their shoes. I feel them- their pain and sufferings; though not in the long-run but even then, just feeling and empathising with them during that short period of time; you really learn to appreciate what you have in your own life; and understand that what you have is a gift you can use for others- your heart and compassion which you can use to help others; even if for a brief fleeting moment. It makes a difference. Both to the patient and you. You cherish all that you have and realize you're so very lucky. You have luxuries you've always taken for granted before... luxuries only some others who can only dream of with what's left of their fragile life- that is if they can even sleep peacefully at night and dream.I had never seen a rectal cancer before til today. He was also a HAKKA grandfather; this old man.The sight before me; was disgusting in the very least... A huge mountaineous fungating mass growing and as big as the size of my hand (not palm) from his butt hole... which was bloody.I could only imagine what pain he goes through sitting on his bum; which he rarely does.Thankfully, his family are a very supportive bunch.He related the story of his dear loving wife who took care of everything and even reminded him of all his children's birthdays; who sadly passed away from a heart disease just a few months earlier.Later, I sat next to him... and caught his eyes starting to look moist.Then, I caught hold of a teardrop which was slowly flowing down from his right eye onto his right cheek down onto his flimsy mattress of bed.The sight of him; and that tear; triggered a small choke at the back of my throat.I was fighting to hold my tears back when I saw him silently tearing... whilst in front of us were his daughter, my doctor and nurse chatting about his medications oblivious to what was going on at our side.I held his right hand and stroked it whilst my left went to grab a tissue paper just beside his bed to wipe the tears welling up in both eyes.I believe at this point, the other three noticed us.After I wiped his eyes, he was angry when he answered me sternly and loudly when I asked if he was ok... And I knew; it was his pride talking.We had changed his urinary catheter; stripped him naked in order to do that and to see his rectal cancer... and it's not easy for him to be exposed like that. Can you imagine being stripped naked and what more for a proud man to let three females clean him up and see him bare?They'd feel as if their dignity has been snatched away from them. Their dignity and their pride- which is so important for preserving their sense of identity. Where's that gone now?He then, kept silent after the initial outbust... And I kept calm letting him know that no matter what, we're here to help and support him as best as we can.And, he asked a few mroe questions. I encouraged him to continue socialising and doing the things he is still able to do... Invite his friends over. Walk around the house. Being diagnosed with a disease illness does not mean letting your mind, body and soul be controlled by the disease.Soon came the end of our visit, he shook my hand and thanked me. And I glanced at him one last time; and gave him the most generous smile I could. Just for him.I can only hope he has the strength and the desire to live as best as he can, despite the very short time left. And realise it's not worth it being bitter; sometimes it's better to just let go and live.Nobody said it's easy. That's where hospice people and counsellors step in to help families and patients cope with the ovewhelming negative emotions sometimes.Carpe diem
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12:28 AM;;
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Watch the sun set and rise.Sleep under the stars.Picnic on a duvet of greens with dearest ones.Go to a concert.Walk in the rain.Read a classic novel.Learn something new. ie cook nasi lemak.LoL. Be creative.Cook something.Get tipsy with good company.Teach students.Visit an orphanage or an old folks' home.Spring clean my closet.Get a new pair of swimsuit.Bake banana bread.Sing.Stay fit and healthy.Compile pictures into CDs.Learn how to make a movie. using movie maker.Read. Medical books. To recap.
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2:02 AM;;
